How to raise independent children

Raising Confident, Independent Children - Child Mind Institute

This is an excerpt from The Scaffold Effect, a new book by Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, the president of the Child Mind Institute.

When our kids are young, our job is to be fixers, protectors, and social secretaries. We childproof the house so they can’t get under the sink and block the stairs so they don’t fall down. We set up playdates and throw their parties. We call their teachers when there’s a problem. But at some point along the way, the parents’ job changes, without warning or indication, and we become consultants. Our job then is to help them find solutions for themselves.

Shifting from “fixer” to consultant is a major change, and you might have a hard time with that. As parents, we’re socialized for the fixer/protector role, to step in and take care of the problem. If your kid falls down and scrapes his knee, your instinct is to put a Band-Aid on it, and say, “It’s okay, sweetie. I’ll make it better.” Then they go back to playing and you feel good about having done your job as a fixer well.

However, you can’t put a Band-Aid on a social rejection or a failure experience. There is no instant fix when a twelve-year-old girl is suddenly cast out of her friend group, or when an eight-year-old boy struggles to memorize math tables and starts to believe he’s stupid. You can’t protect a child from the trials of life. But you can give your kid armor by teaching him to advocate for himself, and thereby develop the grit he needs to survive and succeed.

If your child gets a poor grade on a test, for example, a fix-it parent would say, “You should call the teacher to talk about what happened. You should meet with your friend who’s great at math and get some tutoring. You should study harder.” You should, you should, you should. Listen to how you talk to your child. When you hear that phrase, be aware that you are in fix-it mode, essentially choosing and handing him tools.

To scaffold, parents support and encourage the child to learn how to select the right tool for the particular task all by himself. He might choose wrong, and then you can guide him to evaluate why that particular tool wasn’t the best choice. Next time, he’ll try something new.

It’s not that you are letting him hang out there on his own. You are standing by and collaborating with him to come up with his own solutions. Instead of his depending on you for answers, you will guide him to come up with ideas about how he can do it for himself.

The Growth Zone

A psychological state is often called “a zone.” In the active construction site that is your child’s development, it helps to be aware of her various zones, as well as which are the safe and unsafe areas.

The Comfort Zone. This is a no-anxiety, no-stress figurative place where a person feels safe and secure, believes he’s in control, and can do any social, emotional, behavioral, or academic task easily, without help from parents or teachers. In the Comfort Zone, a child can build confidence and self-esteem. He is secure doing the activity; he enjoys it because he’s proficient. It might feel good to hang out here; it might be a bit boring, too. Since growth comes from learning new things, and learning requires you to be vulnerable in your ignorance and inexperience, the child will have to leave the Comfort Zone in order to grow.

The Growth Zone. Maximal learning and growth happen in the area just outside the Comfort Zone, when the child is reaching and stretching to acquire new skills. Russian educational psychologist Lev Vygotsky believed that educating children in the “zone of proximal development”—just beyond their current capacity, not too far from where they already are—inspires kids to become independent problem solvers and self-motivated learners. The theory holds up in the context of scaffolding a child’s emotional, social, and behavior learning as well. Learning, aka growth, an ongoing process of reaching for more, is always empowered by parent-child collaboration. You’re in it together, but once your child learns what he needs to learn, he can move on, and up, to the next level, while you cheer him on from the near distance of the scaffold.

Failure Is an Option

For your kids, you scaffold their current and future growth by teaching them to take risks, despite the very real possibility of going splat.

Labeled praise plays a major part here. If you want your kids to be more proactive and prosocial, you have to praise them when they try. Be careful about what you praise, though. If you praise success, your kids learn to think that failure is bad. But failure isn’t good or bad. It’s just one possible outcome.

Emily, a fourteen-year-old girl with severe anxiety disorder, always became extremely worried in the days leading up to her midterm and final exams. Her mother Diana’s reaction to her daughter’s stress was to tell Emily to study harder, but that wasn’t helpful. Obsessive studying was a symptom of Emily’s anxiety, not a coping, calming strategy. It was like giving a drug addict permission to smoke more crack.

We coached Diana to scaffold Emily with nonjudgmental validation and by presenting failure as just a thing that sometimes happens, to say to her daughter, “I hear you. You’re worried that you’re going to fail. Maybe you will, and that’s okay.”

With the “death threat” of failure off the table, Emily could turn her deficit (anxiety) into an asset (productivity). She still prepared twice as much as her peers and always met with teachers for reassurance. But by telling herself failure was fine, by releasing that valve, the destructive “I can’t do this!” anxiety was gone. Diana had to send the same message many times. But eventually, the message sunk in, and Emily, now a young woman, flings herself into intimidating job opportunities. “Failure isn’t fatal,” she said. “I’ll just try again.”

A parent’s fear of failure and rejection on the child’s behalf leads to the parent riding to the rescue to save the day, by doing his homework, calling teachers and coaches, taking care of every tiny thing for their kids.

The irony of swooping in is that parents believe they’re helping their kids by preventing pain. But what they’re actually preventing is growth.

Excerpt from The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety. Copyright © 2021 by Child Mind Institute, Inc. Published by Harmony Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

Learn more about The Scaffold Effect here.

75+ Simple Ways to Promote Independence in Kids (aka Life Skills)

It always started with an explosion of whining before dinner time each night.

As a parent I wanted to raise independent children, but I found myself in rut with a child who wanted everything done for him.

Naturally, there was incessant whining.

I would stand at the stove cooking potatoes, vegetables or what not, and my son was unrelenting with requests to entertain him because his life was “very boring” and there was “nothing to do. ”

Every. Night.

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On This Page…

How to promote independence with kids.
My favorite parenting tool for independent kids
What the studies show on independent play.
Step-by-step guide for getting started.

My son tugged at my arm saying, “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.”

This was after much time was spent playing together.

We “built the bridge” of connection. Right?

And yet, the only interesting and fun thing he could think of was to poke the mama bear.

I kept trying to think when this new found whining started because…it did not always used to be like this.

75+ Simple Ways to Promote Independence in Kids

Before I go into my favorite parenting tool for promoting independence in kids (more on that in a minute), let’s talk about basic ways to raise independent kids (aka life skills).

Life skills are basically how to function in the adult world without falling into a puddle of tears and calling your mama every hour.

These skills build slowly overtime with kids learning age-appropriate tasks they can do for themselves. It helps them build problem-solving and critical thinking skills, on top of other valuable characteristics like confidence, responsibility, perseverance, social skills, household management etc.

Nothing here is set in stone, and every child is different. This is simply a ballpark guide for skills your child can work to learn during the toddler, preschool and elementary ages.

Children ages 2 to 3 can learn to…

Bring plate to sink after meals
Dress oneself with help
Help put the toys away
Follow simple one-step instructions
Put clothes in the hamper
Brush teeth, wash face with help
Assist with setting table (silverware, napkins)
Fold small hand towels
Ask an adult for help
Put water in a cup for drinking
Make eye contact
Say their full name
Mimic other kids’ behavior
Practice differences between gentle and rough
Follow a basic routine with help
Greet others with a wave
Use a toilet with help
Look and listen for familiar noises in surrounding environment (e. g. busy street)
Practice waiting, self control

Children ages 4 to 5 can learn to…

Express personal preferences in a respectful way
Know full name, address and phone number
Know how to dial 911 (make emergency calls)
Perform simple cleaning chores
Identify feelings besides sad, mad, happy
Understand basic concept of money
Understand basic concept of time
Pull weeds
Water plants
Hang towels after bathing
Brush teeth, comb hair, wash face
Help with basic laundry
Use a hand vacuum
Hang up a coat
Chose clothes and dress self
Clean up a spill with help
Put trash in the trash can
Take turns with others
Use basic manners
Feed pets
Sort dirty laundry by color
Choose between two or three selections

Children ages 6 to 7 can learn to…

Mix, stir and cut with a dull knife
Make a basic meal, like a sandwich
Help put groceries away
Wash a small set of dishes
Unload the dishwasher
Use basic, non-toxic cleaners
Tidy any room after using it
Follow multi-step directions
Use a watch, check in at certain times
Operate a small appliance
Mend clothing, basic sewing
Introduce self to someone
Make bed without assistance
Start a bath or shower with help
Recognize and identify emotions
Know how to save money
Order off a menu at a restaurant
Complete tasks using a timer
Use a vacuum
Use an alarm clock to wake up
Keep valuables in a safe place
Help rake the yard, sweep the patio
Start the washer or dryer
Organize a drawer, cabinet, small space

Children ages 8-9 can learn to…

Clean out the car
Bake cookies or muffins
Shop for something, price compare
Create reminders for self
Learn basic first aid
Read a recipe
Make and count change
Manage allowance, saving, spending
Use the library
Pack a lunch
Show empathy, concern for others
Listen to others’ opinions
Resolve conflicts using problem-solving
Understand healthy eating choices
Think of pros and cons for decisions
Express wants, likes, dislikes to peers and adults
Write and send a thank you note
Complete homework independently
Cut and groom nails
Make grocery list, help shop for items
Answer the phone properly
Do something without being told
Use a checklist
Socialize without technology
Admit a mistake
Offer a genuine apology
Dress properly for an occassion

My favorite tool for promoting independence with kids.

Before my son started school, he would play alone in his room for about an hour each day. This is something we did from a very early age to both build independence and keep our family sane.

In the beginning, people thought I was crazy that I would allow him to play alone for 40-60 minutes a day. I would get comments like, “You mean he’s just alone? In there? By himself?”

Um. Yep. Just a kid and his toys.

I know this is earth-shattering to think that kids can and should play alone without constant supervision, so before anyone panics, please know that the room was safe for him to be alone. And it was for an appropriate amount of time, not an all-day affair.

You can even put “independent play” on any printable daily schedule for kids to help kids know what to expect.

But here’s my mistake with independent play.

Once my son got older, I started working more hours, we put him in childcare, and the “alone time” in his room stopped. Life got busy and chaotic, and we started to fall deep into the whole checklisted parenting trap.

You know…

Activities.

Birthday parties.

Play dates.

The “checklisted parenting trap” causes parents to believe that kids need to attend gymnastics, soccer, the spelling bee, piano, summer camps, and every prestigious academic program at school.

While it is fun to imagine, the everyday adult world is not a constant party of hourly activities, crafts, lessons and camps.

The key to raising independent kids – alone time.

Kids know how to go to gymnastics practice and do the perfect summersault, but they often become lost with the basic concept of entertaining themselves without flashy toys, electronics or an external presence, such as a parent, sibling or caregiver.

There are countless ways to raise independent kids, but one simple change can help cut down on incessant whining and build life skills like independence, problem solving, and focusing: alone time.

(You can call it rest time, independent time, alone time…anything you want, but basically it’s alone time)

It’s a super simple practice that kids learn quickly once given the opportunity.

Here’s the real beauty…

Studies show that people–kids and adults alike–who are capable of filling their alone time feel less isolated and lonely and more creative and content with life.

There is also research to show that kids who learn self-control are less likely to experience anxiety and depression in adulthood. Learning to play alone and solve problems without outside help is a huge function of focus and self-control.

During “alone time,” it takes an immense amount of self-control for kids to…

Troubleshoot toys without asking for an adult to fix it.
Stay in a room for a certain amount of time.
Entertain themselves using basic, non-electronic toys, such as blocks, cars, dolls, trains or dress up.
Entertain themselves without another person present.
Focus on a given set of toys for a given time without fleeting to the next toy or activity.

Here’s an easy guide for getting your child to play independently (alone).

I once read a quote that said, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” It’s hard to watch our kids struggle, sit patiently, wait, and allow them to reach the conclusion without fixing it for them.

But the hardest parenting choices are often the best ones.

How to give kids “alone time”

Create a safe space.
Set the timer (if you’re just starting, you can begin with 5-15 minutes and work your way up to the desired amount, with 60 minutes as the max).
Explain that this is their time to play alone. It might go something like this: “Pick out some toys from the closet that you want to play with. You get to be the boss of the toys and make all the decisions. I will come back right away when the timer goes off. ”
Get them when the timer goes off.

You may find this one simple change improves behavior and whining. On top of alone time several times per week, you can also nurture independence in other ways.

Print this free printable!

This post comes with a free printable to give you an easy step-by-step guide to raise independent kids. Plus, remember what independent skills are age-appropriate for your kids!

Here’s a sneak peek…

Download Your Free Printable

Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly parenting newsletter!
Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
Place it on your refrigerator. Use it as a quick reference to keep parenting simple!

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How to raise an independent child: the method of a lazy mother

August 30, 2021RelationshipsBooks

Principles that will help parents teach their children important life skills and avoid scandals and whims.

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of a huge number of things.

It's good to be a lazy mother who can sleep until noon on weekends, because the children will wake up and wash themselves, and make breakfast for themselves, and find something to do. It's good to be a lazy dad, whose children themselves will clean the room without a command, and then they will also help fix the tap. We will tell you how to become so lazy-happy so that even the children are happy.

Anna Bykova

Author of the book “Independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother””, child and family psychologist, educator.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

Actually, laziness with such an approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mother's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.

Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mother.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself

Not to do for a child what he already can is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at a year and a half a child can cope with a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put toys away, at five - heat up breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow him to do this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, dress, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can do

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for a child, ask yourself: why can't the child do it for himself? It’s one thing - he can’t physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

It's another matter - he can't, because he doesn't want to, demands attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if a child simply does not know how yet, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don’t do it for him

You need to teach your child according to the scheme “show → do together → let do with a hint → let do it yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days making the house safe and teaching a child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve a problem, don't solve it for a child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he "can't". How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow a child to make mistakes

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. Lazy people will not scold a child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for a jacket that is too light for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, to be near and lend a shoulder.

This is more difficult than doing everything on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every “no”

Some of the prohibitions are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

Anna Bykova

Therefore, only that which is unsafe can be “impossible”. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to come off your tongue, stop, think, answer your question: “Why not?”

Anna Bykova

If it is impossible because it is more convenient for you, then you will not see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get the child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child experience independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”

Anna Bykova

When a child can do something but doesn't want to, get him interested. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make the child stop needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from teaching experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

Buy on Litres

How to raise independence in a child: 9 rules

The ideal picture that parents draw in their imagination often looks like this: the child does everything himself, quickly and accurately. One important detail remains behind the scenes - he does only what he is told. Get up, wash your face and brush your teeth, go to breakfast - please! But the willingness to willingly follow directions, no matter how valuable they may be, is not independence at all, but only obedience. It is the habit of “obeying” adults that becomes one of the main reasons for passivity, lack of ideas and lack of initiative - psychological problems that parents of schoolchildren so often face. “He can’t really say what he wants, and he won’t do anything himself until you remind me! And just who is he like that? - you can hear the complaints of adults.

In fact, independence begins to form quite early. The main thing is to notice it in time. Already at 1-2 years old, the first conscious desires for independent actions appear in the crumbs. As soon as he understands that he can satisfy some of his needs himself (get out of bed, drink from a bottle, turn on the light), he tries to do it. And immediately he hears the first parental prohibitions: do not touch, otherwise you will break, put in place, otherwise you will spill! Further - more: stop, don’t go there, put it back, give it back . .. At 3-4 years old, the baby experiences the first serious crisis of growing up, when an understanding comes to him: not only his actions, but also his desires may differ from what adults require. He wants to wear a yellow T-shirt to kindergarten, but his mother pulls on a gray one - it's more practical. A trifle? By no means! Vigilant control and constant pressure from adults not only destroy the child's craving for knowledge of the world, but also completely discourage independent action in general. Pretty quickly, the child understands: sometimes it’s not necessary to make efforts where you don’t want to (adults will do everything themselves), and begins to use it. How to prevent such a development of events?

How to raise independent children

Raising Confident, Independent Children - Child Mind Institute

The Growth Zone

Failure Is an Option

75+ Simple Ways to Promote Independence in Kids (aka Life Skills)

On This Page…

75+ Simple Ways to Promote Independence in Kids

Children ages 2 to 3 can learn to…

Children ages 4 to 5 can learn to…

Children ages 6 to 7 can learn to…

Children ages 8-9 can learn to…

My favorite tool for promoting independence with kids.

But here’s my mistake with independent play.

The key to raising independent kids – alone time.

Here’s the real beauty…

Here’s an easy guide for getting your child to play independently (alone).

How to give kids “alone time”

Print this free printable!

Download Your Free Printable

Want more on parenting?

Recommended Reads:

How to raise an independent child: the method of a lazy mother

Never do for a child what he can do for himself

How to find out what a child can do

Teach your child, don’t do it for him

Help solve a problem, don't solve it for a child

Allow a child to make mistakes

Give your child a choice

Think about every “no”

Get the child interested

How to raise independence in a child: 9 rules

Learn more