How to teach your child

New skills for kids & behaviour management

Helping children learn new skills as part of behaviour management

When children can do the things they want or need to do, they’re more likely to cooperate. They’re also less likely to get frustrated and behave in challenging ways. This means that helping children learn new skills can be an important part of managing behaviour.

When children learn new skills, they also build independence, confidence and self-esteem. So helping children learn new skills can be an important part of supporting overall development too.

Here’s an example: if your child doesn’t know how to set the table, they might refuse to do it – because they can’t do it. But if you show your child how to set the table, they’re more likely to do it. They’ll also get a sense of achievement and feel good about helping to get your family meal ready.

There are 3 key ways you can help children learn everything from basic self-care to more complicated social skills:

• modelling
• instructions
• step by step.

Remember that skills take time to develop, and practice is important. But if you have any concerns about your child’s behaviour, development or ability to learn new skills, see your GP or your child and family health nurse.

When you’re helping your child learn a skill, you can use more than one teaching method at a time. For example, your child might find it easier to understand instructions if you also break down the skill or task into steps. Likewise, modelling might work better if you give instructions at the same time.

Modelling

Through watching you, your child learns what to do and how to do it. When this happens, you’re ‘modelling’.

Modelling is usually the most efficient way to help children learn a new skill. For example, you’re more likely to show rather than tell your child how to make a bed, sweep a floor or throw a ball.

Modelling can work for social skills. Prompting your child with phrases like ‘Thank you, Mum’, or ‘More please, Dad’ is an example of this.

You can also use modelling to show your child skills and behaviour that involve non-verbal communication, like body language and tone of voice. For example, you can show how you turn to face people when you talk to them, or look them in the eyes and smile when you thank them.

Children also learn by watching other children. For example, your child might try new foods with other children at preschool even though they might not do this at home with you.

How to make modelling work well

• Get your child’s attention, and make sure your child is looking at you.
• Move slowly through the steps of the skill so that your child can clearly see what you’re doing.
• Point out the important parts of what you’re doing – for example, ‘See how I am …’. You might want to do this later if you’re modelling social skills like greeting a guest.
• Give your child plenty of opportunities to practise the skill once they’ve seen you do it – for example, ‘OK, now you have a go’.

Instructions

You can help your child learn how to do something by explaining what to do or how to do it.

How to give good instructions

• Give instructions only when you have your child’s attention.
• Use your child’s name and encourage your child to look at you while you speak.
• Get down to your child’s physical level to speak.
• Remove any background distractions like the TV.
• Use language that your child understands. Keep your sentences short and simple.
• Use a clear, calm voice.
• Use gestures to emphasise things that you want your child to notice.
• Gradually phase out your instructions and reminders as your child gets better at remembering how to do the skill or task.

A picture that shows your child what to do can help them understand the instructions. Your child can check the picture when they’re ready to work through the instructions independently. This can also help children who have trouble understanding words.

Sometimes your child won’t follow instructions. This can happen for many reasons. Your child might not understand. Your child might not have the skills to do what you ask every time. Or your child just might not want to do what you’re asking. You can help your child learn to cooperate by balancing instructions and requests.

Step-by-step guidance: breaking down tasks

Some skills or tasks are complicated or involve a sequence of actions. You can break these skills or tasks into smaller steps. The idea is to help children learn the steps that make up a skill or task, one at a time.

How to do step-by-step guidance

• Start with the easiest step if you can.
• Show your child the step, then let them try it.
• Give your child more help with the rest of the task or do it for them.
• Give your child opportunities to practise the step.
• When your child can do the step reliably and without your help, teach them the next step, and so on.
• Keep going until your child can do the whole skill or task for themselves.

An example of step-by-step guidance
Here’s how you could break down the task of getting dressed:

• Get clothes out.
• Put on underpants.
• Put on socks.
• Put on shirt.
• Put on pants.
• Put on a jumper.

You could break down each of these steps into parts as well. This can help if a task is complex or if your child has learning difficulties. For example, ‘Put on a jumper’ could be broken down like this:

• Face the jumper the right way.
• Pull the jumper over your head.
• Put one arm through.
• Put your other arm through.
• Pull the jumper down.

Forwards or backwards steps?
You can help your child learn steps by moving:

• forwards – teaching your child the first step, then the next step and so on
• backwards – helping your child with all the steps until the last step, then teaching the last step, then the second last step and so on.

Learning backwards has some advantages. Your child is less likely to get frustrated because it’s easier and quicker to learn the last step. Also the task is finished as soon as your child completes the step. Often the most rewarding thing about a job or task is getting it finished!

In the earlier example, you might teach your child to get dressed by starting with a jumper. You’d help your child get dressed until it came to the final step – the jumper.

You might help your child put the jumper over their head and put their arms in – then you might let your child pull the jumper down by themselves. Once your child can do this, you might encourage your child to put their arms through by themselves and then pull the jumper down. This would go on until your child can do each step, so they can do the whole task for themselves.

When your child is learning a new physical skill like getting dressed, it can help to put your hands over your child’s hands and guide your child through the movements. Phase out your help as your child begins to get the idea, but keep saying what to do. Then simply point or gesture. When your child is confident with the skill, you can phase out gestures too.

Tips to help children learn new skills

No matter which of the methods you use, these tips will help your child learn new skills:

• Make sure that your child has the physical ability and developmental maturity to handle the new skill. You might need to teach your child some basic skills before working on more complicated skills.
• Consider timing and environment. Children learn better when they’re alert and focused, so it can be good to work on new skills in the morning or after rest time. It’s also good to avoid distractions, like the TV or younger siblings.
• Give your child the chance to practise the skill. Skills take time to learn, and the more your child practises, the better.
• Give lots of praise and encouragement, especially in the early stages of learning. Praise your child when they follow your instruction, practise the skill or try hard, and say exactly what your child did well.
• Avoid giving negative feedback. Rather than saying your child has done it ‘wrong’, use words and gestures to explain 1-2 things your child could do differently next time.

Remember that behaviour might get worse before it improves, especially if you’re asking more from your child. A positive and constructive approach can help – for example, ‘Well done for getting the knots on your laces right! Would you like to do the loops together today?’

Teaching your child everyday skills

When children play, they're learning what they want to learn. Often these will be things you want them to learn, too.

Sometimes, though, your child may need some extra help from you to learn the necessary skills they'll need throughout their lives.

For example, these skills can be learning to use a potty, how to wash and dress themselves, what not to touch, and where it's not safe to run.

Tips for everyday life with kids

The following suggestions can make life easier for both you and your child. 

If you try to teach them something too soon, you'll both end up getting frustrated. If you try teaching them something and it doesn't work out, leave it for a few weeks and try again.

Your child might learn to eat with a spoon very quickly, but they may still want to be fed when they're tired.

They might use the potty a few times and then want to go back to nappies. 

Try not to worry – this doesn't mean you have failed. It won't take them long to realise they want to learn to be grown up and independent.

Young children can't understand why they shouldn't play with electrical goods or breakable objects. It's easier to keep things you don't want touched well out of their way.

Your child wants to please you. If you give them a big smile, a cuddle or praise when they do something right, they're much more likely to do it again. This works a lot better than telling them off for doing something wrong.

Don't expect perfection or instant results. If you assume everything is going to take a bit longer than you thought, you'll be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't.

Your child wants to be like you and do what you do. Let them see you washing, brushing your teeth and using the loo.

Children need firm, consistent guidelines. They often feel more secure if you stick to the limits you have set, even if they don't like them or try to test them.

Boundaries work far better when you explain to your child why they're there. For example, if you pull them away from an open fire, explain why.

For the same reason, it's important that everyone who looks after your child adopts a similar approach to their upbringing, including bedtime routines, meal times, discipline and screen time.

If you and your partner or you and your childminder (or nursery or nanny) do things very differently, your child won't learn as easily.

Do what's right for your child, you and the way you live. Don't worry about what the child next door can or can't do. It's not a competition.

Further information

• Baby and toddler safety
• Dealing with child behaviour problems

Page last reviewed: 4 August 2022
Next review due: 4 August 2025

How to teach a child to think and analyze?

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Parents

How to raise a child?

How to teach a child to think and analyze?

• Tags:
• Expert advice
• 3-7 years
• 7-12 years old
• teenager
nine0014 children in the family
• family relationships

Every parent dreams of seeing their child inquisitive, active, successful in various activities, but not all adults believe that they can help their children in this development. In fact, it is the family that is able to create conditions conducive to the improvement of the child's mental activity.

Here are a few phrases, the constant use of which by parents will ultimately have a positive effect on the cognitive activity of the child. nine0003

Most of us are afraid of making mistakes, because we anticipate criticism, punishment, remorse. Children are no exception, on the contrary, they especially need the approval of significant adults, because every slip and the resulting negative reaction from adults hurts the child. A few of these "wounds" - and your baby may lose self-confidence. Then, in the classroom at school, he will try to choose the simplest possible task, and the need to express his reasoning in front of others will become a real test for him. Therefore, it is extremely important to form the right attitude towards one's own mistakes as a natural phenomenon. But you should not forget about their timely correction either. nine0003

The variability of solving a problem is one of the important indicators of the development of mental abilities. This question is also relevant in everyday situations, and, of course, in solving problems of varying complexity - even if this is not required based on the condition of the problem.

This technique allows you to develop the flexibility of the mind. Be prepared for non-standard solutions: they are only welcome.

Even the ability to competently express one's opinion can say a lot about the mental capabilities of a child, as it requires a subtle analysis of the situation, coupled with the formation of one's own position. It will not appear overnight, but it can be reached by encouraging children to speak out on their own. This technique can be used at any opportunity, for example, when a cartoon character faces a choice, or when someone in a conversation finds it difficult to answer.

See also

How to hear your child

How to teach a child to be reasonable

It is not enough to be able to formulate one's position - one must be ready to substantiate and defend it: to give arguments, evidence, examples. This skill also needs practice.

Many tasks (both academic and life) that a child faces are beyond his power. This is especially pronounced in the first decade of life, but even in the future the help of an adult is sometimes extremely necessary. It should not be seen as a condescension on the part of the older and more experienced in relation to the younger and unwise, but as an opportunity to spend time together and profitably. So you provide the zone of proximal development of the child. nine0003

It has been known since the time of Socrates that the best way to develop thinking is to solve problems. And these are not necessarily monotonous text tasks from a school textbook. It can be puzzles, logic games, charades, quests, rebuses. Now there is a fairly large selection of developing literature and manuals. However, it is important to observe the measure here: excessive intellectual load can lead to a decrease in cognitive interest.