Social skills for preschool

Young children thrive on praise, particularly when we praise their good choices and actions.

What about criticism? Here we must tread carefully, because kids can get the impression that we view them as inherently inferior or bad. And that perception undermines their motivation to improve.

So it’s advisable to avoid negative language when a child’s social behavior disappoints. Stop being mean. I can’t take you anywhere.You’re out of control! Why are you so shy? In the heat of the moment, such talk might seem justified. But it isn’t helpful, and you risk making things worse.

What works better is a constructive approach — challenging children to think of ways they could do better. Read more about it in my article, “Correcting behavior: The magic words that help kids cope with mistakes.

9. Provide children with free, unforced opportunities to experience the

Why do people act generously toward each other? There are many reasons. We feel empathic concern for people in need. We may feel a sense of responsibility. Or a moral imperative to act.

But there’s also a self-serving motive. Giving feels good. It gives us a pleasant rush. It lifts our mood. And even young children experience this effect (Paulus and Moore 2017).

So we can foster prosocial behavior by encouraging children to engage in everyday acts of generosity. Kids learn that good deeds are emotionally rewarding, and become more generous over time.

But be careful not to force the issue. When kids are forced to give, they probably won’t experience that pleasant, emotional rush. And an experience of “forced giving” doesn’t teach preschoolers to be more generous. On the contrary, it makes them less likely to engage in future acts of spontaneous generosity (Chernyak and Kushnir 2013).

Your best bet? Follow an approach tested by researchers: Provide your child with free, unforced opportunities to be generous. Is somebody sad? Does somebody need support? Talk with your child about what would make this person feel better, and allow your child to make a choice (Chernyak and Kushnir 2013).

10. Be careful about offering

Research on toddlers and primary school children suggests that we might undermine our kids’ impulses to be helpful when we bribe them with tangible rewards for being kind. For details, see this Parenting Science article on the perils of rewarding prosocial behavior.

If your child has social problems with peers, encourage a positive, constructive attitude. Let your child know that everybody gets rebuffed and rejected sometimes. In one study, about half of all preschooler social overtures were rejected by peers (Corsaro 1981).

Kids with the strongest social skills treat rebuffs as temporary setbacks that can be improved. We can encourage this attitude by helping children interpret rejection in a less threatening light.  Maybe doesn’t want to play because he’s shy. Maybe she just wants to play by herself right now.

In addition, we can help children brainstorm solutions, and encourage them to predict how different social tactics might work.

Such thought experiments encourage children to consider what other people are feeling (Zahn-Waxler et al 1979). They also help children to explore ways they can adapt and “fit in.”

For instance, a child who’s met with resistance (“You can’t play firefighter with us because there isn’t enough room in the fire engine”) might find another way to join the game (“Help! My house is on fire!”). This is one of the secrets of children with strong preschool social skills. They are responsive to the play of others, and they know how to mesh their behavior with the behavior of potential playmates (Mize 1995). 

12. Show kids how to apologize, make amends, and offer forgiveness.

Fascinating experiments on toddlers show that they understand the difference between the unintentional harm they cause and the harm caused by others. For example, when 2- and 3-year-olds believe they caused an accident, they feel a greater urge to help make things right (Hepach et al 2017). 

Moreover, experiments indicate that young children notice when transgressors fail to apologize and offer to help. It might not lift a victim’s bad mood, but it can mend bad feelings toward the transgressor. When transgressors fail to reach out in this way, they harm their standing with peers. Over time, they may find themselves increasingly rejected by other kids.

So children are ready to learn about reconciliation, and have a natural incentive to do so. But what exactly should you do after you’ve gotten too pushy, and knocked over somebody’s castle of blocks? Or blurted out something mean-spirited that makes someone cry?

It can be hard for young children to figure out what to do in these situations. We can help by showing them concrete actions to take — how to speak up, apologize, pitch in to help reverse the damage, and offer the victim something cheering or friendly (like an opportunity to play a game together).  

We can also show kids how to accept apologies with grace, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. It’s important for kids to adopt an effort-based mindset: An understanding that people aren’t good or bad, but rather imperfect individuals capable of learning from their mistakes.

Studies show this mindset protects children from feeling overwhelmed and helpless to change. For more information, see these Parenting Science articles about the effort mindset and ways that adults can help children adopt it.

13. Model — and talk about — gratitude.

Expressions of gratitude help grease the wheels of the social machine. They are essential for getting along in polite society. But experiments suggest that they also improve our mood and outlook. They make us feel less alienated, and more connected to friendly, caring others. In fact, just remembering a received kindness can make us more prosocial. 

For these reasons, researchers who design preschool social skills programs emphasize the importance of gratitude.

In a preschool curriculum developed at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, children read stories about the acts of everyday kindness that people perform for each other throughout the world. They learn about people in their communities who help others (like firefighters, doctors, and bus drivers), and take on the roles of these people through pretend play. Teachers share their own feelings of gratitude, and show, by example, how to express it (Flook et al 2015).

Researchers are making this curriculum available to the public for free. You can sign up for a copy here.

14. Introduce kids to cooperative games.

As I explain in this article, cooperative games are better-suited to the developmental capacities of preschoolers. And — like turn-taking games — cooperative games appear to encourage children to behave more generously toward each other (Toppe et al 2019).

15. Provide opportunities for pretend play with older kids and adults.

During the preschool years, pretend play is one of the most important ways that children forge friendships (Gottman 1983; Dunn and Cutting 1999).

Preschoolers who pretend together are less likely than other kids to quarrel or have communication problems (Dunn and Cutting 1999).

And dramatic pretend play — where kids act out specific scenarios, and portray the actions and emotions of different characters — may help children develop certain forms of self-control.

For example, a recent experimental study found that four-year-old kids improved their emotional control after participating in group sessions of dramatic pretend play (Goldstein and Lerner 2018).

So pretend play is a promising tool for buildling social competence, but keep in mind: Preschoolers may need a nudge from us to reap the full benefits.

In the experimental study of dramatic pretend play, the researchers didn’t just tell preschoolers to play make-believe. They assigned kids specific challenges (like, “put on a chef’s hat and bake me birthday cake”). Adults encouraged kids to “physically enact the games, and to stay on task” (Goldstein and Lerner 2018). And that adult involvement might have been crucial.

Another point to consider? It’s important to avoid being bossy. Research indicates that kids with strong preschool social skills have parents who play with them in a cheerful, collaborative, way (MacDonald 1987).

For more information, see my Parenting Science article about the benefits of play, including pretend play.

16. Don’t put off conversations about race.

This is a common miscalculation that some parents — especially white  parents — make. They assume that their children are too young to begin talking about race. My child hasn’t even noticed that racial categories exist. And isn’t that a good thing? Won’t that help ensure that my child will grow up free of racial prejudice?

It might seem intuitive. But studies confirm that our children are picking up on racial cues long before they have learned to speak. They get exposed to racial stereotypes in the popular culture. And when we fail to talk with our children, opening and honestly about race and racial bias in society, our kids are more likely to develop racial biases of their own.

For more information, see my article, “6 mistakes that white parents make about race.”

17. Choose TV content that is non-violent and age-appropriate.

Research suggests that it makes a difference.

In a randomized, controlled study, Dimitri Christakis and his colleagues assigned some parents to substitute nonviolent, educational TV shows (like  Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer) for the more violent programs their preschoolers usually watched. 

Six months later, children in this group exhibited better preschool social skills — and fewer behavior problems — than did children in the control group (Christakis et al 2013). 

18. Realize that some forms of sharing are easier than others.

Some types of sharing are relatively easy for preschoolers. If there is a large supply of goodies to share, giving has little downside. But what if giving is a zero-sum game — like loaning your favorite toy to someone so you can’t play with it yourself?

As noted above (#8), such acts of generosity can make children feel good. But the good feelings arise when kids share voluntarily. When we try to force it, the tactic backfires. Kids end up feeling less generous in the future.

So we need to be patient, and recognize the challenges that children face when they are asked to share. Young children in particular can have more difficulty thinking beyond the here-and-now. If we ask them to loan their toy, they may have trouble believing that they will get their toy back. And, to be fair, sometimes the kids who borrow toys are reluctant to return them.

The takeaway? We should be selective about what we ask our kids to share, and avoid forcing the issue.

19. Break up cliques with a negative vibe, and watch out for peer rejection.

Sometimes kids bring out the worst in each other. For example, in one study researchers observed children during free play periods at a preschool. They noticed which kids tended to play together, and watched their behavior.

Some of the groups featured an unusual amount of emotion negativity and antisocial behavior, and these negative groups were rated as less socially competent by their teachers and parents.  

Moreover, participation in a negative group was predictive of poor preschool social skills a year later (Denham et al 2001).

What should we do if we see this kind of negativity?

If kids are struggling with aggressive behavior problems, we need to teach how to handle conflicts peacefully. These Parenting Science tips can help. And sometimes it’s best to take the additional step of breaking up the clique — finding new playmates for your child to socialize with.

What if your child is on the recieving end of negative behavior — being rejected by peers? It’s equally important to get involved, and research suggests we can help kids by coaching them in the art of making friends.

Studies show that a single peer friendship can protect preschoolers from continued aggression and rejection (Criss et al 2002; Hodges et al 1999). And preschoolers are more likely to win over peers if they behave prosocially  (Vitaro et al 1990; Cote et al 2002; Eisenberg et al 1999) and respond appropriately to conversation (Kemple et al 1992).

For tips on helping kids make friends, see this Parenting Science article.

20. Don’t take it personally.

Despite the popular Hollywood image of kids as wise cynics who know better than their parents, young children are hampered by a poorer understanding of the world.

For instance, they have trouble tracking the mental perspectives of other people. In particular, most children under the age of 4 haven’t yet mastered the notion that different people can believe different things–even things that are objectively false (Gopnik et al 1999).

So it’s not surprising that children also have trouble grasping the concept of a “lie” (Mascaro and Sperber 1999). Young children tend to characterize all false statements–even statements that a speaker believes to be true–as lies (Berthoud-Papandropoulou and Kilcher 2003).

And while they understand that lying is bad, they lack an older child’s ability to anticipate how their words will make other people feel. The impact of lying–and the morality of lies–is something they must learn.

If your preschooler says something rude or hurtful, don’t take it personally. But don’t ignore it either. Take the opportunity to explain how words can hurt our feelings. When your child gains insight into the power of words, he will improve his preschool social skills.

More reading

Looking for activities that promote social competence? See this Parenting Science guide to social skills activities for kids.

And for advice about helping kids develop friendships, see my article, “How to help kids make friends.”

A great deal of research has been conducted on preschool social skills. In addition to the scholarly references cited in this article, any introductory textbook on cognitive development should help you gain insight into your child’s preschool social skills.

Online, Jacquelyn Mize and Ellen Abell, professors of child development, offer a research-based guide to teaching preschool social skills in “Encouraging social skills in young children: Tips teachers can share with parents. ” 

You will also find advice about preschool social skills in chapters 7-8 of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards (2004) by K. Hirsh-Pasek, R. Michnick Golinkoff, and D. Eyer.

If you found this article on preschool social skills helpful, check out other offerings at ParentingScience.com.

Image credits  for “Preschool social skills”:

image of preschoolers eating lunch on the grass by iStock / Nicole S. Young

image of father and son with basketball by istock monkeybusiness images

image of sleeping girl by istock/ Deepak Sethi

image of father talking to toddler boy in bed by istock / Liderina

image of girl covering eyes and boy smiling by shutterstock / YanLev

woman smiling at child with plastic nesting cups by Rawpixel / istock

image of young boy consoling toddler on the beach by KarinaBost / istock

Content last modified 12/2020

Social skills of preschoolers - the development of social skills in children

The development of social skills is a necessary point of education. A child with a high degree of socialization will quickly get used to kindergarten, school, any new team; in the future will easily find a job. Social skills have a positive effect on interpersonal relationships - friendship, the ability to cooperate.

Let's figure out what social skills are.

What are social skills and why develop them?

Social skills - a group of skills, abilities that are formed during the interaction of a person with society and affect the quality of communication with people.

Man is a social being: all our talents and aspirations are realized thanks to other members of the group. Others evaluate our actions, approve or condemn our behavior. It is difficult to reach the pinnacle of self-actualization alone.

That is why social skills are important. They should be developed from early childhood and honed throughout life.

Social skills are a reflection of the child's emotional intelligence, to which educators and teachers assign an important role in the process of personality development. Without this group of skills, a smart child will not be able to apply the acquired knowledge in practice: it is not enough to create something outstanding, you need to be able to correctly convey thoughts to the public.

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that social skills relate exclusively to the topic of communication, communication. In fact, skills include many multidirectional aspects: an adequate perception of one's own individuality, the ability to empathize, work in a team, etc.

Why do we need social skills?

1. Regulate the area of ​​interpersonal relationships: the child easily makes new friends, finds like-minded people.
2. Minimize psychological stress: children with developed social skills quickly adapt, do not feel sad due to changes in external circumstances.
3. They form an adequate self-esteem from childhood, which positively affects life achievements and development in adulthood.
4. Social skills cannot be separated from building a successful career: the best specialists must not only understand the profession, but also have high emotional intelligence.

Development of social skills in a child

Social skills need to be developed from preschool age, but older children and even teenagers may well learn to interact with the world.

It is recommended to pay attention to areas of life that bring discomfort to the child, significantly complicate everyday life.

1. Friends, interesting interlocutors: the kid does not know how to join the team, he prefers to sit in the corner while the others play.
2. Verbal difficulties. The child does not understand the rules of conversation, is poorly versed in the formulas of etiquette (when you need to say hello, say goodbye, offer help).
3. Problems with the non-verbal side of communication. Such a baby does not recognize the shades of emotions, it is difficult to understand how others relate to him. Cannot "read" faces and gestures.
4. Does not know the measure in expressing a point of view: too passive or, conversely, aggressive.
5. The child bullies classmates (participates in bullying) or is a victim.

In case of severe moral trauma, one should consult a psychologist: for example, school bullying is a complex problem that children are not able to cope with on their own. The involvement of parents and teachers is required.

In other cases, family members may well be able to help the child develop social skills.

What are the general recommendations?

1. Be patient

Don't push your child to get the job done. Let them take the initiative: for example, do not rush to help during school gatherings, let the baby work on the problem on his own. The same goes for lessons and other activities.

2. Support undertakings

Children's dreams seem trifling to adults, but the initiative turns into a habit over the years and helps to discover new projects, meet people, and experiment.

3. Criticize the right way

When making negative comments, remember the golden rule of criticism: analyze the work, highlighting both positive and negative sides in a polite way. Commenting on the specific actions of the child, and not his personality or appearance - this will lead to problems with self-esteem.

4. The right to choose

It is important for children to feel that their voice is taken into account and influences the course of events. Invite your child to personally choose clothes, books, cartoons. Ask about ideas, plans: “We are going to have a rest together at the weekend. What are your suggestions?

5. Personal space

Make sure that the baby has a place where he can be alone and take a break from talking. Personal things should not be touched: rearrange without prior discussion, read correspondence with friends, check pockets, etc.

Children, noticing the respectful attitude of adults, quickly begin to pay in the same coin; the atmosphere in the family becomes warm and trusting.

What social skills should be developed in a child?

Let's dwell on the main qualities and skills, the development of which is worth paying attention to.

1. The ability to ask, accept and provide help

Without the ability to ask for help, the child will deprive himself of valuable advice; the lack of the ability to accept help will lead to losses, and the inability to provide help will make the baby self-centered.

• Let the child help those in need: for example, a lagging classmate.
• Explain to your child that getting help from friends and teachers is not a shame.
• Show by personal example that mutual help enriches experience: tell how you exchange advice with colleagues, friends.

2. The ability to conduct a conversation and get the right information

Being a good conversationalist is difficult, but the skill is honed over time and brings a lot of benefits.

• Prompt your child for dialogue development options: for example, you can start a conversation with a relevant question, a request for help.
• Do not leave the child in the role of a silent listener: when discussing pressing issues at home, ask the opinion of the baby.
• Support children's public speaking: presentations at school, performances, funny stories surrounded by loved ones will add confidence.

3. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to recognize the emotions of others, put yourself in the place of another person, empathize.

This ability will make the child humane, prudent. How can it be developed?

• Start by recognizing the child's feelings - it is useless to listen to people if the person does not feel personal experiences. Ask your baby: “How do you feel after a quarrel with friends?”, “Do you want to relax today?”
• After conflicts with classmates, ask your child how the children with whom the quarrel may feel now.
• While watching cartoons, reading books, pay your child's attention to the emotional state of the characters.

4. Ability to work in a team

Many children can easily cope with tasks alone, but this is not a reason to refuse to work in a team. It gives the opportunity to exchange ideas and experience, delegate tasks, achieve goals faster and more efficiently.

• If the child does not communicate with members of the team, try to introduce him to another social group: for example, the lack of communication with classmates can be compensated by a circle of interests, where the child will feel calmer.
• Make the family a friendly team in which the child has his own "duties": for example, do housework, remind parents of upcoming events. Any activity related to the well-being of other family members will do.

5. Respect for personal boundaries

The absence of an obsessive desire to interfere in other people's lives is a valuable skill that helps to win people's sympathy.

• Respect the child's personal boundaries: do not enter the nursery unannounced, do not rummage through personal belongings and correspondence, if the matter does not concern the life and safety of the baby.
• If the child violates other people's boundaries (takes toys without permission, asks uncomfortable questions), talk about it in private.

6. Ability to overcome conflict situations

It is difficult to imagine our life without conflicts. The task of the child is to learn how to culturally enter into a discussion, defend his point of view, and not be led by the provocations of his interlocutors.

• Discuss problems that arise calmly, without raising your voice. Do not put pressure on the child with parental authority unnecessarily: the child is a separate person who has the right to an opinion.
• Do not judge people for views that differ from those of your family but do not affect your well-being. Show your child that the world is very different.
• You can demonstrate to children the basics of a civilized dispute, explain what arguments are, etc. It is advisable to teach this child in kindergarten.

7.

Stable and adequate self-esteem is a quality that not all adults possess.

It is formed under the influence of many factors: relationships between parents, the role of the child in the family circle, the characteristics of the environment that surrounded the child in early childhood.

It is important that the child does not grow up to be either a narcissistic narcissist with fragile self-esteem, or an overly shy person. How can you help your child find balance?

• Praise your child for personal progress: to receive a compliment from parents, it is not necessary to win prizes in school competitions. The zeal of the baby, the interest shown and the stamina also deserve praise.
• Explain, remind the children that initially they are worthy of respect and love, like all people around.

Social skills will help in many areas of life: in studies, hobbies, friendships, building a reputation in a team. The main thing is to encourage and support children at all stages.

Emotional intelligence for children

We introduce children to the types of emotions, how to manage them and how to express themselves in teamwork, through situational games

learn more

Development of social skills in children

Development of social skills in children prepares them for favorable interaction in all areas of life. Social skills are an essential part of functioning in society. Demonstrating good manners, communicating effectively with others, being sensitive to the feelings of others, and expressing personal needs are very important components of basic social skills. Helping children develop these important skills requires a range of strategies at each stage of development.