Learning to be kind

How to be more kind: 10 ways

We can all be kinder. Kinder to ourselves, kinder to others - even kinder to the planet. It’s often easy to take things for granted, especially when we’re all moving through life at a lightning-fast pace.

Being kind can provide a welcome break from the aforementioned hectic pace of life. With it, kindness can bring positivity to yourself and others around you too. In fact, Calmer is delighted to announce a new partner: Be Kind Movement, a charity working to empower women and children with education. Their vision is a future where women and children are educated, in employment and actively contributing to the economy, to the community and to their personal wellbeing. Through their kindness, they are creating new opportunities, and promoting equality.

So, here’s a few ways to be more kind, show the people around you that you care for them, and potentially receive some positivity in return too.

1. Tell someone when you think positively them

It’s easy to think well wishes, but it takes a little more effort to communicate them. When you appreciate the effort someone has made, or simply think they look nice, tell them! By expressing how you feel, you may also see your relationship grow in a positive way.

2. Consider your language choices

Have you ever analysed how you think or speak? Sometimes, even a small change in the language we use can make us seem kinder and more caring. Rephrase negative thoughts into constructive criticism, highlight areas for progress rather than failure, and re-frame ‘don’ts’ into ‘do’s’. In turn, this can make you seem a lot more approachable, and easy to talk to.

3. Set a good example

Life gives us many chances to do good, so when you take those opportunities, show others why it’s a more beneficial choice. It may make life harder, or be a more difficult path in the short-run, but sharing your morality can encourage others to also do the same. With social media now so easily accessible, you can share these good deeds online without much effort at all!

4.

Volunteer yourself

Donating time or money to good causes is one of the kindest acts in this list. Whether you look for charities in your local area, or those that match your values, any help you can provide will be appreciated. Similarly, if you have friends or family that could benefit from your support, see whether you have the capacity to commit to helping them. The simple act of helping someone move house, or driving an elderly relative somewhere, can be incredibly kind.

5. Listen more

One thing we can all do more of is listening. In our guide to talking about mental health, we shared a few pointers on how to listen without judgement, and enable others to trust you to simple listen. Try pausing before you speak, and choose words with positive intention when you’re called upon to give your opinion.

6. Look after yourself

Similarly, if you have an issue you are dealing with, be kind to yourself. Talk to others, ask for help, and practice checking in with your mental health. Join the Calmer Community for monthly prompts, videos, audio, and other guides to doing just this!

7. Be aware of others around you

One easy way to act more kindly is to take stock of other people, wherever you are. When you’re on public transport, glance up every now and again to check if anyone could benefit from your seat. If you walk into a room where the door was shut, close it behind you. These small acts may not be rewarded, but may diffuse any negative thoughts or situations that arise from not acting in a kind way.

8. Lend your belongings

Another way to be kind to others, and be kind to the planet, is to share your belongings. Lending a book can spread knowledge, and sharing your clothes can reduce the demand for new items. Plus with apps like Airbnb, Uber, and Olio, sharing is becoming the new normal.

9. Appreciate how good it feels to be kind

There are many things that we are wired to feel good about. Everything from receiving social recognition through to eating a sugary treat can make us feel good. But what about feeling good when we are kind? Learning to enjoy your random acts of kindness can incentivise you to do more of them, and even on an unconscious level.

10. Share the kindness you receive

Finally, be appreciative of the kindness you receive! You can share positive energy further than simply yourself, by taking compliments and kind acts, and sharing them with others. Given a tray of leftover food from a meeting at work? Why not share it with friends? Received some positive feedback in an appraisal? Call a member of your family to share the good news. These small acts can brighten others’ days.

How to be Kind: Can Kindness Be Taught?

Do you know someone that is incredibly kind?

Maybe it's a friend, parent, relative, or acquaintance. It's the kind of person always willing to lend a helping hand, or that so rarely responds with any animosity.

Amid such trying, stressful, and sometimes dark times, kindness can sometimes seem like a far fetched idea. For some of us, kindness does not come as easy, and it seems like a personality trait destined for someone else.

On the contrary, we can ALL learn to be kind. Kindness is not just a trait you either have or lack; it's a skill and a mindset we can all work to cultivate.

There has never been a more crucial time to learn or teach kindness than now.

The Importance of Kindness

Kindness is typically something we describe but not necessarily define. According to the American Psychological Association, kindness is a "benevolent and helpful action intentionally directed toward another person." True, pure kindness is not about personal gain; instead, it is propelled by wanting to help others.

Jamil Zaki, a 39-year old Stanford University psychology professor, dedicated his life work to kindness and empathy. He studies empathy as part of Stanford's Social Neuroscience Lab. Zaki is a dedicated warrior for civility, working diligently to build a "kindness revolution. " He's the author of The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World, and he says that research¹ has found that Americans in 2009 were less empathetic than 75% of Americans only 30 years prior.

Researcher Sara H. Konrath of the University of Ann Arbor published her study² in Personality and Social Psychology Review; she found that college students self-reported far less empathy than in the 80s, with a sharp decline in the last ten years. Coinciding with the dip in empathy was an increase in narcissism that Jean M. Twenge, a psychologist at San Diego State University, found³.

Empathy and kindness are on the decline - so what? As you might imagine, there are many benefits of kindness, many ways that kindness can help society.

Kindness Benefits Those That Give and Receive

One study⁴ found that happy people become happier by being kind. When participants counted their acts of kindness for one week, their perception of their happiness rose. Another study⁵ by Lee Rowland and Oliver Scott Cury found that participants who performed acts of kindness for seven days felt happier. Simply put, being kind makes us happier. The acts of kindness and the reflection of our kindness boosts happiness and wellbeing.

Kindness also helps out society. Acts of kindness are "prosocial", meaning they work to better society. One author's manuscript⁶ found that prosocial behavior (kindness) reduces the physical symptoms of stress. "Results showed that on a given day, prosocial behavior moderated the effects of stress on positive affect, negative affect, and overall mental health." As we know, society as a whole is facing difficult, unprecedented times. Kindness can go a long way to reducing the impact of stress and helping our mental functioning.

Furthermore, kindness has a contagious element. It spreads positivity throughout the world, compounding its beneficial effects. Several different research studies have shown that we "pay it forward"⁷ when we receive an act of kindness. In other words, when someone does something kind for us, we are more likely to do something kind for someone else.

One study⁸ demonstrates this notion incredibly well. Researchers wanted to put the "pay it forward" model to the test in a high-stress, high-stakes environment. They secretly studied acts of kindness at Coca Cola's Madrid location. Without the others knowing, they assigned 19 workers to give acts of kindness to certain coworkers each week. After one month, the experimenters saw a boost in prosocial behaviors in the office. The people who received acts of kindness demonstrated 10x more acts of kindness than workers who did not receive acts of kindness. Those who received kindness felt independent at work, while the control group fell in autonomy. Essentially, acts of kindness created a buffer for the receivers, which results in handling more stressful situations at work. The receivers paid forward acts of kindness, demonstrating how positively contagious kindness is.

Can We Learn to be Kinder?

Kindness is so powerful, yet it's gone down in the last three decades.

How can kindness decline?

While Zaki says, while there's a genetic component to kindness, "experiences, choices, habits, and practices" will also impact how empathetic we become. Instead of being "hard-wired" (100% genetic and unchangeable), kindness and empathy are "soft-wired." That's great. It means that just as we can unlearn kindness, we can also rewire our minds to become more empathetic. Empathy is a "mental muscle" that we can slowly but surely work to strengthen.

In fact, Zaki has his class at Stanford to help teach people how to cultivate kindness. PSYCH 15N, or Becoming Kinder, is all about teaching students to explore empathy and kindness from scientific angles. The class also involves "kindness challenges" that push students past their comfort zones and into kindness that they may not have known they were capable of. After the challenges, students reflect on what went well, what did not go well, and what surprised them. Zaki found that the most powerful challenges went against the students' previous assumptions. By the end of the course, students reflect on their changes. They worked to become kinder and more understanding to not only others but to themselves as well.

How to Teach Ourselves to Be Kinder

Can kindness be taught?

Clearly, the work of Zaki and many others show that it can. But, knowing you can learn something and doing it are quite different. Learning kindness is not easy, and for some of us, it may be more challenging than others.

Here are some ways to cultivate kindness:

Practice feeling connected. Think about a time when you felt strongly connected to another person through a conversation, shared, loss, or another event. A study from 2011⁹ found that participants who practiced feeling connected had a more significant concern for others and were more likely to carry out kind acts over the next six weeks.
Practice feeling supported. Think about the people you turn to when distressed. What qualities do they have? When was a time they comforted you? A study from 2005¹⁰ found that those who wrote down feelings of support practiced greater compassion and willingness to help a person in distress.
Compassion meditation. It sounds simple, but it's not easy. Compassion meditation is about zoning in on your breathing as you engage in feelings of goodwill toward anyone (yourself, an acquaintance, a stranger, or even a foe). A 2013 study¹¹ found that those who performed compassion meditation for two weeks demonstrated generous behavior and more activity in the brain regions associated with understanding the suffering of others.

4.) Try Zaki's Kindness Challenges

On his website, War for Kindness, Zaki has kindness challenges available like the ones he uses in his class. He refers to these challenges as an "empathy gym," intended to foster empathy and kindness based on his expertise and research. You can find all of the details on his website, but the basic overview of his kindness challenges includes:

Reverse the Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you'd treat other people to foster self-compassion.
Spend Kindly: Spend on someone else even when you feel strapped for time or money. You'll feel happier and less stressed by giving to others!
Disagree Better: Instead of seeing only someone else's opinion, learn about the "fears, hopes, and memories that shape what they believe."
KindTech: Intentionally use your social media timeline to spread kindness. Reach out to someone and check-in or find someone who is struggling and offer support.
Be a Culture Builder: Reinforce kind behavior, and challenge any cruel or indifferent behavior you see to promote the cultural change toward kindness.

5.) Cultivate Kindness

Kindness is an essential prosocial behavior that helps the giver, receiver, and society as a whole, but we have been showing less empathy and kindness over the years. All hope is not lost, as kindness CAN be learned and taught.

While the journey is not always easy, we can all take steps to help create a better world. In the darkest of times, we must run toward and embrace kindness. Using the information above can be your first step toward cultivating a kinder, happier world.

Being kind can also start with one's self. By developing our self-compassion, we tend to look the world at a more gentler gaze. Read 10 Powerful Ways to Be Kinder to Yourself in 2021 and start learning how to love yourself.

(1) Zaki, J (January 2011) What, Me Care? Young Are Less Empathetic

(2) Konrath, S (December 2019) Speaking of Psychology: The Decline of Empathy and the Rise of Narcissism

(3) Twenge, JM; Konrath, S; Foster, JD; Campbell, WK; Bushman, BJ (2008) Further evidence of an increase in narcissism among college students

(4) Otake, K; Shimai, S; Tanaka-Matsumi, J; Otsui, K; Fredrickson, BL (September 2006) Happy people become happier through kindness: A counting kindnesses intervention

(5) Rowland, L; Curry, OS (May 2019) A range of kindness activities boost happiness

(6) Raposa, EB; Laws HB; Ansell, EB (July 2016) Prosocial Behavior Mitigates the Negative Effects of Stress in Everyday Life

(7) DeSteno, D; Bartlett, MY; Baumann, J; Williams, LA; Dickens, L (April 2010) Gratitude as moral sentiment: emotion-guided cooperation in economic exchange

(8) Chancellor, J; Margolis, S; Jacobs Bao, K; Lyubomirsky, S. (2018) Everyday prosociality in the workplace: The reinforcing benefits of giving, getting, and glimpsing

(9) Pavey, L; Greitemeyer, T; Sparks, P (April 2011) Highlighting relatedness promotes prosocial motives and behavior

(10) Mikulincer, M; Shaver, PR; Gillath, O; Nitzberg, RA (November 2005). Attachment, caregiving, and altruism: boosting attachment security increases compassion and helping

(11) Weng, HY; Fox, AS; Shackman, AJ, et al. (May 2013) Compassion training alters altruism and neural responses to suffering

How to become kinder. 10 effective advice from a psychologist | Psychology of life | Health

01/27/2017 00:06

Oksana Morozova

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

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Nowadays, you can buy almost everything. It is a pity that such a quality as kindness cannot be found on the shelves. But it can be developed. How to do it on your own, says psychologist, radio host and head of the New Horizon center Anetta Orlova.

1. Develop the skills of empathy (compassion). Learn to read other people's emotions and express your sympathy in simple words: "I understand you", "I understand your feelings." Even if at first you do it mechanically, you will gradually begin to feel that you really understand the other person.

2. When you want to say something unpleasant in response to a harsh statement from another person, for a second, stand in his place. Try to understand his condition. Look at the situation from the outside, like in a movie. This will help reduce the degree of irritation and respond more kindly.

3. Pump up the “kindness muscle”. Develop the best part of yourself, show care and attention every day. Sometimes this can be expressed in not noticing something, keeping silent somewhere. Do not prove your case at every step! Be careful with the genre of advice, with wishes to get married faster, with empathy for a bad husband. Lamentations like “how do you live with him, so I wouldn’t live” keep to yourself. After talking with you, a person should feel easy, and not vice versa.

4. Every evening write 3 thanks to those people who helped you in some way today: with a smile, a word of encouragement, or just a piece of candy. If you say that there is no one to write to, then you have a negative selective attention, you notice only the bad and ignore the good. In other words, ungrateful.

5. Give communicative gifts to other people. Compliment, and you will see the whole palette of human experiences: from proud acceptance to shy excuses and even refusal to accept your kind words. But even in such a situation, do not stop the practice.

6. Be kind to your loved ones. We all know people who are charming for a distant circle, but real monsters for domestic ones. The temptation to be kind in the eyes of others is very great, because in this case the "dividends" are higher and gratitude is greater. Showing similar feelings towards those whom you encounter every day in the same kitchen and solve common problems is more difficult. And still try: provide support, if necessary. Keep silent, instead of giving advice, if the situation has already been passed and nothing can be changed. Close your eyes to any shortcomings. Do not get annoyed and do not take it out on your relatives, even if the day was not easy.

7. From negative to positive. Negative beliefs and attitudes rob us of a sense of power and opportunity, and only a strong person can show kindness. It is very important to get rid of the devaluing and angry inner critic who constantly tells you: “where are you going”, “what else do you need”, “I am a loser”, “time has passed”, “I still won’t succeed”, “I need help nowhere”, “there are enemies around”, “such a man is not for you”, etc.

For each such phrase, it is necessary to come up with a positive alternative belief and write it down on paper. If desired, this list can even be put as a screensaver on your phone.

8. Think of times in your life when you felt that you were treated kindly, with care. Make a list of such moments in chronology from the present to childhood. Then you can do the following exercise: sit down, relax the whole body (starting with the muscles of the face and ending with the muscles of the hands and fingers). Visualize those situations, enter that state. Watch your breath. It should be even and deep. Every day, live 2-3 situations for 3-5 minutes.

9. Do good deeds towards yourself. Every day. Don't even think about being cruel to yourself.

10. Surround yourself with kind (benevolent) people. If there are those around who always blame, show aggression, humiliate and devalue you, there simply will not be a resource for being kind. When a person is constantly in a state of emotional pressure, all the forces will be spent on overcoming, and anger and resentment will become habitual feelings.

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How to learn to be kinder to people?

Kindness is a great quality of people. In our modern and sometimes even cruel world, it is very difficult to be kind to people, because resentment and disappointment leave a mark in our memory. It is hard to change and break oneself, but sometimes it is necessary to do it in order to remain a person with a capital letter and be in harmony with oneself.

Good deeds have no price, and everything is done free of charge and unselfishly.

A kind person is very happy with a big soul and a rich inner world. Usually such people are satisfied with their lives, they have many friends and good acquaintances, since good deeds always come back double or even triple back. The main thing is that they do not have benefits. It is impossible to keep a count of good deeds, since this must be done sincerely, from a pure heart.

Start with yourself . If you do not respect and love yourself, then you are unlikely to be able to do good deeds, and if you live in harmony and harmony with yourself, then you will be able to share this state with others.
Try to do at least one good deed . Help grandma lift bags, give way to a pregnant woman, and so on. Such actions will not go unnoticed. One small good deed can bring so much pleasure and satisfaction that you will not be stopped further.
Learn to be grateful to people, even for little things . It's great when there are people in your life who have repeatedly helped you and still help you. You simply have to thank the world every day that you met them on your way. It is desirable that gratitude be expressed not only in words, but also in deeds.
Love life as it is . Despair is not an option. Pessimists are mostly concerned only with their own problems, they do not care about others. But optimists are able to empathize and do good good deeds.
Learn to be sensitive to others . Words of sympathy are a good thing. Sometimes each of us lacks just a kind word or sympathy.
Look for pluses in people, not minuses, then it will be much easier to become kinder to people. Sometimes you want to do a good deed simply for its positive aspects.
Be more discreet . Do not shout about and without it. Try to explain everything calmly, balanced.
Do not judge people who are not like you . Everyone is individual, this must be clearly understood. Perhaps meeting with such a person will expand your knowledge, open up a new value system and make you a better person.
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