Making your own family
How to Make Your Own Family
My mother abandoned me when I was ten years old. She dropped my brother and me off at her parent’s house one weekend, moved to the city with her boyfriend, and never came back. For the next ten years, I tried to make our relationship work simply because cultural standards and my bossy grandmother told me I had to; the moment I graduated high school and struck out on my own, I stopped trying altogether.
It can be more than a little bit difficult to operate in society when you don’t have a connection to your biological family. Car commercials and Walmart ads still push the traditional nuclear family ideal, even though divorce, having children later in life, and the various ways that we now conceive of the family unit have shifted towards something more inclusive. No matter what your household looks like, the overarching message is still clear — everyone has a family of some kind, like it or not.
If violence, trauma, or feeling like the black sheep in your family tends to undercut your ability to function, it's OK to pull back.![]()
The people I’m biologically related to are an utter disaster, and so what I consider my family is primarily made up of my friends. This wasn’t as forceful a decision as the one I made to stop talking to mother; I just slowly realized one day that the only people in my life who had my back, gave the best advice, and reached out to support me were the ones who hung out with me on my couch and hurled insults at the various couples making horrible decisions on "House Hunters International" (you’re not going to find a full-size American kitchen in Amsterdam, Judy!). It’s possible you can relate to the feeling of being adrift within your own family. I’m not saying that you should cut and run just because you have an argument with your brother over Sunday football. But if violence, trauma, or just feeling like the black sheep in your family tends to undercut your ability to function, it’s OK to pull back and find that solace in someone else.
I was never able to rely on my family, but through the love and support of my friends — and a few key practices — I’ve cobbled together something that looks and feels so much better than what I had before.
Here’s how I made my own family. If you want or need to, you can do it too.
Get rid of your guilt
Since that loving Walmart family is the main version of family we get to see, you’re more than likely going to feel like a straight-up asshole for deciding to stop interacting with yours. What, you think you’re too good for them? Everyone has problems! The point of family is to work it out.
Sometimes “working it out” is impossible, or makes you feel unstable, or is otherwise debilitating.
Except “working it out” is sometimes impossible, or makes you feel unstable, or is otherwise debilitating. You need to get rid of your guilt about disengaging —it's something you’re going to have to remind yourself of often. Therapy is a huge help with this! If you can’t access a therapist, get ready to bring a sleeping bag to your library and curl up in the self-help section.
Value the people you have
If you really want to feel like you’re not in this alone, you have to let your friends know what they mean to you. You don’t have to draw up a formal contract for them and be like “HEY YOU’RE MY FAMILY NOW, PLEASE SIGN HERE” but definitely tell them how much you love them. Remind them that they’re important to you. Do nice things for each other. Literally tell them that they are part of your heart. You’re not just blowing smoke up their asses — these are the kinds of practices that healthy families engage in all the time — you’re just doing that work by extension.
Accept that Holidays. Are. Hell.
Pro tip: If you lack the traditional familial setup and are trying to avoid the seasonal blues, you should start your holiday planning in advance. For example, I’ve always preferred spending my birthday alone, so I plan a vacation around that time every year. Traveling is a great way to be alone without feeling too lonely!
If you lack the traditional familial setup and are trying to avoid the seasonal blues, you should start your holiday planning in advance.
We don’t always have to make friends into family due to bad situations; sometimes you just live too far away to engage with them as much as you want. The winter holidays can be the worst in this way — travel is a nightmare, it’s expensive, and weather threatens to shut you down at every turn. It’s good to have a contingency plan — invite your friends over to veg out in their jammies, plan a dinner party, or pick days when you can all get together to do something fun. I love spending Thanksgiving and Christmas at movie theaters, jamming my face full of Red Vines and seeing most of the big winter movies in one shot. I guarantee many of your friends would do this with you in a heartbeat!
Think small
Your Friend Family doesn’t have to be a sprawling network of individuals; maybe you only feel close to a couple of people. Guess what? THAT’S BOTH GREAT AND ENOUGH. It’s not the quantity, but the quality.
Know that YOU’RE NOT A LONELY WEIRDO
At some point, most of us have realized that we need a little more than our families can provide; it’s generally the reason you have friends in the first place! The more that you free yourself of the cultural narrative that family only looks like or means one thing, the more likely you are to find people out there trying to do the same exact thing.
Danielle Henderson is a Shondaland contributor. She's also a TV writer, freelance writer, former editor and staff writer for Rookie, and author of the book "Feminist Ryan Gosling." Her memoir, The Ugly Cry, will be published in 2018.
Feeling Isolated and Alone? Create an Extended Family from Scratch and Energize Your Golden Years!
Don’t you wish you had interesting and enjoyable people to hang out with? Covid-19 has left many people feeling isolated and alone. Perhaps you were feeling disconnected even before the pandemic, wondering how to grow a network of loyal comrades.
Ever since your partner’s homegoing ceremony, you’ve been feeling listless and passive about taking the first step to reconnect with others in a meaningful way. You’re looking for one positive shift to lift you up and out.
Your empty nest, once bustling with activity, is uncomfortably quiet. Visits during holidays are the social highlights of the year. But you’re bored to the core and want more.
Before retirement, you looked forward to engaging with colleagues and attending company events. Now you’re missing the social interaction and are not sure how to build connections on your own.
As we get older, we learn that change is inevitable. When loved ones pass on or relocate, it can be challenging to enjoy the type of social life we want. However, know that what you are experiencing now does not have to be a permanent condition.
Whatever your situation, if you want to cultivate relationships, you’ve got to become proactive! The pandemic has significantly altered our lives, and it is up to us to invent creative ways to produce light during these unprecedented times.
Know that you can transform your circumstances into something worth celebrating.
In order to realize the positive change you are seeking, you must become the positive change. In other words, when you are focused on making a difference in the lives of others, you begin to see a difference in your own life.
One of the reasons I started my holistic wellness business in my early 60s was to inspire mature women to reclaim their health, confidence, purpose, and power so they can live the life of their dreams. However, at a deeper, more personal level, my motivation was to build a community – a family of like-minded people with whom I could connect.
I am divorced, don’t have children of my own, and am an only child. Many of the close colleagues from my public school teaching career have either passed on or have moved far away to be closer to their children.
And when my dear, sweet mother made her transition, I became an architect of reinvention—discovering creative ways to remain socially connected.
I knew that, for me, being of service would attract the socially conscious individuals I was seeking and fuel the fire that had been ignited in my soul.
If you want to solve the issue of isolation, it’s imperative that you devise a plan to make the connections you need. Reflect on what you want your community to look like. Why is it important for you to develop meaningful relationships? How much social interaction do you want?
These are unusual times, so be open to exploring unconventional opportunities. In your situation you have the opportunity to build from scratch the types of loving relationships you want.
Unlike the family you were born into, you get to select the members of your new, chosen family. These individuals will help to enrich your life and add a unique dimension to your daily experiences. And conversely, you will add a special flavor to theirs.
Don’t linger in the past. This is a new season, and you are a different person. Embrace the idea that at this important juncture on your journey, your social life can be juicy.
Remember, you have the power to design the rest of your life.
Expect to be delighted! Paint a vision for your relationships. Move forward by taking actionable steps. Shifting your thoughts from your personal circumstances to blessing others will produce amazing results.
So, how do you transform a life that’s blah and bland to something grand?
If you’re not a member of a spiritual community, arrange to visit several during the next few months. You don’t have to commit to membership while exploring your options. Invite a member to a virtual tea, express your intention, and ask questions.
Participate in a few online events to see if this is the right fit for you. Building a stronger spiritual life will help you connect to your higher self and to the world around you.
Advocate for a Cause You Are Passionate About
Are you interested in public policy? Get involved at the local level. Joining forces with those who share your commitment to an honorable cause will elevate your level of participation and help to establish lasting and meaningful relationships.
There are many choices and many needs for your skills and interests – health and welfare of women and girls, services for those with special needs, animal rights and wildlife conservation, climate change and global warming, and more.
Be a blessing to others. What personal and professional skills would you like to share with your community? These could include mentoring, construction, legal services, counseling, and photography, to name a few.
Community service presents opportunities to engage in interesting conversations with like-minded individuals, showcase your talents, and forge friendships. Did you know, for example, that online tutoring is huge right now?
Investigate Themed Travel Adventures
Even though Covid-19 has forced travel restrictions, that doesn’t mean you can’t begin planning your next excursion. Take advantage of discounted deals and local opportunities. Sign up for culinary classes at a famed resort or join a guided architectural walking tour in an historic city.
Pursue Your Passions
Whether you are a gardener, baker, painter, writer, singer, decorator, antique collector, or website developer, you can find new ways to share your gifts with those who will appreciate your talent. Are you an artist? Your tribe is looking for you!
Consider starting an online meetup or networking community for landscape painters. Not only have you set the stage for polishing your passion and performing your purpose, you will meet others who share your interest, talk your language, and from whom you can learn as well.
Register for Fun and Challenging Classes
Do you love to learn? Due to the pandemic, in-person classes may be temporarily suspended, but online courses provide an opportunity to interact with people who have similar interests. You might get a chance to work on shared projects or compare notes on the subject you’re learning.
Are you interested in art history, interior design, upholstering, shoemaking, beginning guitar, or martial arts? Check out offerings at your community college, art school, music studio, library, craft stores, local specialty shops, and adult education classes at your local school district.
Stay in Touch with Loved Ones, on Your Terms
Take advantage of various platforms, like FaceTime or Zoom, to stay in touch with loved ones. Don’t wait for them to call you – initiate the call yourself! Now that you are busy engaging with your new, extended family, you may want to establish a schedule for communicating with relatives. Reach out to a different loved one each day and chat for a few minutes.
Sometimes we forget that when our lives appear bleak and bland, we have the power to make the positive changes that will promote satisfaction and well-being. Rejoice! You have a voice! “Choice,” the act of making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities, is a potent principle.
You can make a conscious decision to choose connection over isolation. Allow your heart to lead the way. Make life-affirming choices for how you want to continue showing up in your golden years.
Soon you’ll be so connected and regularly interacting with the new family you’ve created that you will cherish your quiet times.
Isolation will no longer be a part of your experience. Instead, you will develop a new appreciation for the moments you spend in solitude—restoring your energy, nurturing your spirit, and preparing for your next adventure.
How are you staying engaged with others during the pandemic? What challenges are you facing in connecting with people? How has pursuing your interests led to positive interactions? In what ways have you reached out beyond family and friends to build new and rewarding relationships? We would love to hear about your experiences.
Family and family values
May 15 - International Day of the Family
Family and family values
What is a family for a person? A word that everyone understands. It is with each of us from the first moments of life. Family is home, dad and mom, close people. These are common worries, joys and deeds. This is love and happiness.
The family is the rear and the foundation on which all life is built. We are all born in a family, and as we grow up, we create our own. That's the way man is.
Families are different: cheerful and happy, strict and conservative, unhappy and incomplete. Why is that? Different families have different characters, like people. If a person, as a person, determines his life based on his life priorities, then the family, as a complex consisting of individuals interconnected by family and emotional relationships, builds its present and future based on its own values.
Family and family values are the most important foundation on which the life of any person is built. The formation of personality begins in the family: family values instill the necessary skills for the harmonious development of a holistic nature.
What is most important in a family? It is very difficult to give a definite answer to this question. Love? Understanding? care and participation? Or maybe dedication and hard work? Or strict observance of family traditions?
Family and family values are always inextricably linked and do not exist without each other.
If the family is absent, then family values automatically lose their meaning. No legal relationship between a man and a woman exists and has never existed without fundamental principles. It is thanks to them that for many years the spouses manage to maintain spiritual health, unity and integrity. Traditional family values are built on care and love.
The change and development of society, new views, respectively, form a new understanding of family values. Today, the moral priorities of parents and children differ significantly. In children, the attitude to this concept has a more progressive, but tough character. This trend is observed due to the fact that each subsequent young generation takes only the most necessary from the previous one, brings into it their own, currently relevant, family customs and traditions. Of course, such concepts as trust, love, mutual assistance, respect and kindness remain fundamental for a person of the 21st century. But, sadly, they are under pressure from a variety of factors that are caused by the problems of society.
According to the results of sociological surveys, family national traditions and customs among young people are not in first or even second place. They were overtaken by education, career, relationships with friends, addictions. In order to preserve traditional family values, examples for the younger generation should first of all be given from personal life experience. And even if someone did not grow up in such a prosperous environment and could not absorb a true loving family relationship with upbringing, it is necessary to try to catch up at a conscious age and try to make this world better and brighter through an attitude towards one's neighbor. This is for everyone.
How are family values developed? Today, interactions between close people can be conditionally divided into modern and traditional, and they sometimes conflict with each other. Each person has their own individual concept of how to save relationships and marriage. Parents taught me something in this matter, they managed to learn something from their own life experience.
When a young family has just formed, spouses do not always think about what it means to honor the opinion of a partner, to reckon with his personal space. Often they immediately begin to expect only good things from each other and believe that it is the partner who should create this good. At this stage, it should be understood that the responsibility for a harmonious union lies with both the man and the woman equally. Here, everyone, taking his position, according to gender, must protect and cultivate everything that is in his power to make marriage successful, and future children happy. You may not be ideal, but you need to try. In any period of relationship (it doesn’t matter if it’s a couple who has been married for many years, or a young family), you need to engage in self-education, work on yourself. You can learn to solve any problems peacefully, which will be the beginning of the path to mutual happiness. As a result, soon the life of the spouses will change for the better, communication will improve or transform.
This is how, overcoming difficulties, a real family is formed, and family traditions become sacred and respected among all relatives.
Children are the flowers of life. In no case should not forget about the little ones. First of all, children need peace and prosperity in the family, because they are the most unprotected and vulnerable tribal link. It is necessary to show favor to them and show by their own example how important the family is, to explain why it is necessary to honor traditions. Such moral education will not be in vain.
Because of the lack of information and because of the new values of money and status imposed by society, children have pushed the most expensive and necessary components of their normal life into the background. The formation in children of the correct concept of life, of ethical standards will be the key to their happy family life in the future. School institutions also help to understand kids and teenagers in this topic. Recently, a class hour has been increasingly held, at which family values are the main topic of conversation.
This is a big step forward, as the correct development of the child's self-awareness will help him find his place in life.
Basic family values
For any family, the list of family values will contain an infinite number of items. But each of us should have a clear idea of those family values that help strengthen the foundation for creating a strong and friendly family. Knowledge of moral and ethical principles plays an important role in building trust and increasing confidence in each family member.
- Feeling of importance and need. It is important that each member of the family knows that he is loved, appreciated, needed. Even as a close-knit family, each member of the family should be given space and freedom to act. The family is the place where you can gather without “special” occasions, holidays, it is a safe place to which you can return when something did not work out, you will be accepted, listened to, supported, helped.
- Flexibility in solving family problems is the path to happiness and a sense of comfort.
Each family has its own order, daily routine, structure, rules. But too many rules and order can lead to a deterioration in relationships and the appearance of resentment. - Honesty forms a deep bond between family members. Encourage honesty by practicing understanding, respecting whatever actions your loved ones do. If you are angry about what happened, most likely, the next time the information will be withheld from you in order to avoid disrespect for your personality.
- You need to learn to forgive the people who offended you. Everyone makes mistakes. Life is too short to waste it on resentment. From the offender, you should get answers to all your questions and make a choice - accept, forgive, let go and move on.
- Learn to be generous with attention, love, time, communication, even some of your material possessions
- Communication is a separate art. The transfer of information, feelings is an important element in the formation of family relationships.
When people feel that they can easily and openly express their dreams, hopes, fears, successes, failures, then this only helps to strengthen the marriage ties. Lack of communication leads to the fact that small issues grow into larger ones that end in quarrels, avoidance, divorce. - Responsibility. We all want to appear responsible to others. Some of us are more responsible, others are less responsible. A sense of responsibility does not require many "nudges" to get the job done on time and right.
- Traditions are what makes a family unique, they bring all family members together.
- Be a role model. Adults are role models for their children. They pass on their skills in problem solving, collaboration, communication, and more.
- Assess your contribution to the development and strengthening of your family ties. Although family relationships are based on strong blood ties, yet in a large family, feelings of closeness weaken over time, so extra effort and time must be made to maintain strong family ties.
From time to time you should remind yourself of the importance of family in your life.
The family is the first school of life for a new, newly born man, it is the environment in which he learns to use his abilities to understand the outside world and cope with its unpredictable gifts. Whatever you have learned from your family becomes your value system that shapes your actions. A happy, joyful family life is not an accident, but a great achievement based on work and choice. Creating a family is a responsible act that will require a lot of time, cost, effort, and energy. But this is a worthy cause, this is our main business of life. We want our deeds to be worthy of respect.
Law on Basic Guarantees of the Rights of the Child in the Russian Federation
Summary of the class hour "My family is my wealth"
Family and family values
Formation of family values at school.
What is a family for a person?
Family is a microcosm of relatives, a source of love, warmth, respect and harmony.
A place where a person grows and develops, absorbing, like a sponge, all the bad and all the good from the space that surrounds him.
The vulnerability and nakedness of feelings that close people give each other, the variety of forms of manifestation of such feelings, a special, carefully admiring attitude towards one's child - this is the family, this is its uniqueness and originality.
Family values are customs, traditions, norms of behavior and attitudes that are passed down from generation to generation. These are the fundamental principles on which the whole life of the family is built.
What are they, family traditions and values, what is their strength and attraction?
• Love . A deep and sincere feeling that leads a man and a woman to create a family. A mother's love for her child is true and boundless; a child's love for his parents is unconditional and full of trust.
• Responsibility. In this case, in front of the family, because everything we do, we do for the sake of our family.
• Communication. We share everything with close people - the impressions of the day, a quarrel with the boss, the injustice of the teacher at school and hope for consolation, understanding and good advice.
• Care and support. Every person wants to be sure that there is a place where he is always welcome, where he is loved and appreciated, where he will be accepted and understood in any condition, in any situation. A place where close people will help him, warm him and give him the strength to live on.
• Respect. Complete mutual understanding between family members is possible only when the interests and needs of another person in the family are taken into account, when they observe a format of communication that is comfortable for him, when he recognizes its value and significance. As soon as respect disappears, love also disappears.
• Ability to forgive. If people love, they don't hold grudges and don't get hung up on grievances, they try to find a compromise and live on. Children should know that in the family they will always be understood and forgiven.
• Honesty. The trust that people in the family have for each other cannot be overestimated. Perhaps there is no other community where this quality is expressed so vividly and genuinely. Honesty and sincerity in family relationships give rise to trust and calm confidence in well-being.
• Traditions. Weekly walks in the woods, rug-knocking on Saturdays, trips to the country house together, or family holidays are a sure way to strengthen the family.
Family and family values are, in fact, the best we have. Of course, there are such significant categories as career, relationships with friends, education, but family is a calm and reliable happiness available to everyone. Family traditions and values must be created and developed in every family in order for children to form clear guidelines and priorities.
How to form the values of family life? Advice to parents
To teach a child to live in harmony with himself and those around him, to respect elders, to be honest and sincere, to be able to communicate and get along with different people is the task, first of all, of the family.
The best education is one's own example. If the baby grows up in a happy and friendly family, where mom and dad love and respect each other, take care of their parents and children, then he will bring the same norms and values to his family in the future.
Communicate with children. Make it a tradition in the evenings, when the whole family is together, to share impressions of the past day, rejoice at new achievements, console the offended, praise for good deeds. Take time to listen carefully to your children and find out what their day was like. From early childhood, support in children the desire for trusting and open communication, and then you will bypass the problems of misunderstanding between fathers and children.
If you do not live with your parents in the same house, then visit them with your children, call them, remind the children to call their grandparents - to congratulate them on the holiday, to find out about their well-being. Let the children see the sincere care that you show towards your parents and learn ...
Do not indulge children in everything and do not indulge them without a sense of proportion. Remember that the family should have basic rules that every household member must follow.
These simple principles will help your child develop the right attitudes, norms and values that will allow him to create a happy family in the future.
How can school help in the formation of family values?
The school should help parents and children to realize and form the values of the family, organize joint work so that parents and teachers move in the same direction in an effort to raise a real person, developed spiritually and morally.
Teachers, together with parents, can organize activities to build family values in a variety of forms: joint family holidays and sports events, role-playing game with parents, a class hour about family values, actions for Mother's Day and the Day of the Elderly, an hour of reflection , private conversation.
Activities aimed at the formation of family values in the school should be varied and focus on the age of the child. Junior schoolchildren you need to talk about the traditions in the family, about the original roles of mother and father, grandparents, about the fact that it is customary in families to respect their loved ones and help them. It is good if family members of younger schoolchildren come to such a lesson.
For students in grades 5-6 , classes will be interesting for which they will make up their family tree, tell the story of their kind, come up with symbols for their family (family coat of arms, family flag, family motto, family anthem).
An important achievement of the lesson will be the upbringing of a sense of pride in one's family, ancestors, who gave origins. The upbringing of a sense of responsibility of the child, as a successor of family traditions, will be significant.
An event to strengthen family values in grades 6-7 can be devoted to a conversation about children living without parents in orphanages, about single-parent families in which there is no father or mother. You can talk about the role of the family in the life of every person, about the rights and responsibilities of family members to each other, about the moral and legal aspects of the family.
High school students will be interested in a conversation about models of their future family, about how they see relationships with their supposed soul mate, how they are going to build relationships with their parents and children. It will be interesting to create the image of an ideal wife or husband.
Such a lesson will be remembered for a long time and will become a positive emotional impression if it touches the strings of goodness in every child's heart and gives food for dreams and reflections, discussions and knowledge.
