Raising an independent child

Raising Confident, Independent Children - Child Mind Institute

This is an excerpt from The Scaffold Effect, a new book by Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, the president of the Child Mind Institute.

When our kids are young, our job is to be fixers, protectors, and social secretaries. We childproof the house so they can’t get under the sink and block the stairs so they don’t fall down. We set up playdates and throw their parties. We call their teachers when there’s a problem. But at some point along the way, the parents’ job changes, without warning or indication, and we become consultants. Our job then is to help them find solutions for themselves.

Shifting from “fixer” to consultant is a major change, and you might have a hard time with that. As parents, we’re socialized for the fixer/protector role, to step in and take care of the problem. If your kid falls down and scrapes his knee, your instinct is to put a Band-Aid on it, and say, “It’s okay, sweetie. I’ll make it better.” Then they go back to playing and you feel good about having done your job as a fixer well.

However, you can’t put a Band-Aid on a social rejection or a failure experience. There is no instant fix when a twelve-year-old girl is suddenly cast out of her friend group, or when an eight-year-old boy struggles to memorize math tables and starts to believe he’s stupid. You can’t protect a child from the trials of life. But you can give your kid armor by teaching him to advocate for himself, and thereby develop the grit he needs to survive and succeed.

If your child gets a poor grade on a test, for example, a fix-it parent would say, “You should call the teacher to talk about what happened. You should meet with your friend who’s great at math and get some tutoring. You should study harder.” You should, you should, you should. Listen to how you talk to your child. When you hear that phrase, be aware that you are in fix-it mode, essentially choosing and handing him tools.

To scaffold, parents support and encourage the child to learn how to select the right tool for the particular task all by himself. He might choose wrong, and then you can guide him to evaluate why that particular tool wasn’t the best choice. Next time, he’ll try something new.

It’s not that you are letting him hang out there on his own. You are standing by and collaborating with him to come up with his own solutions. Instead of his depending on you for answers, you will guide him to come up with ideas about how he can do it for himself.

The Growth Zone

A psychological state is often called “a zone.” In the active construction site that is your child’s development, it helps to be aware of her various zones, as well as which are the safe and unsafe areas.

The Comfort Zone. This is a no-anxiety, no-stress figurative place where a person feels safe and secure, believes he’s in control, and can do any social, emotional, behavioral, or academic task easily, without help from parents or teachers. In the Comfort Zone, a child can build confidence and self-esteem. He is secure doing the activity; he enjoys it because he’s proficient. It might feel good to hang out here; it might be a bit boring, too. Since growth comes from learning new things, and learning requires you to be vulnerable in your ignorance and inexperience, the child will have to leave the Comfort Zone in order to grow.

The Growth Zone. Maximal learning and growth happen in the area just outside the Comfort Zone, when the child is reaching and stretching to acquire new skills. Russian educational psychologist Lev Vygotsky believed that educating children in the “zone of proximal development”—just beyond their current capacity, not too far from where they already are—inspires kids to become independent problem solvers and self-motivated learners. The theory holds up in the context of scaffolding a child’s emotional, social, and behavior learning as well. Learning, aka growth, an ongoing process of reaching for more, is always empowered by parent-child collaboration. You’re in it together, but once your child learns what he needs to learn, he can move on, and up, to the next level, while you cheer him on from the near distance of the scaffold.

Failure Is an Option

For your kids, you scaffold their current and future growth by teaching them to take risks, despite the very real possibility of going splat.

Labeled praise plays a major part here. If you want your kids to be more proactive and prosocial, you have to praise them when they try. Be careful about what you praise, though. If you praise success, your kids learn to think that failure is bad. But failure isn’t good or bad. It’s just one possible outcome.

Emily, a fourteen-year-old girl with severe anxiety disorder, always became extremely worried in the days leading up to her midterm and final exams. Her mother Diana’s reaction to her daughter’s stress was to tell Emily to study harder, but that wasn’t helpful. Obsessive studying was a symptom of Emily’s anxiety, not a coping, calming strategy. It was like giving a drug addict permission to smoke more crack.

We coached Diana to scaffold Emily with nonjudgmental validation and by presenting failure as just a thing that sometimes happens, to say to her daughter, “I hear you. You’re worried that you’re going to fail. Maybe you will, and that’s okay.”

With the “death threat” of failure off the table, Emily could turn her deficit (anxiety) into an asset (productivity). She still prepared twice as much as her peers and always met with teachers for reassurance. But by telling herself failure was fine, by releasing that valve, the destructive “I can’t do this!” anxiety was gone. Diana had to send the same message many times. But eventually, the message sunk in, and Emily, now a young woman, flings herself into intimidating job opportunities. “Failure isn’t fatal,” she said. “I’ll just try again.”

A parent’s fear of failure and rejection on the child’s behalf leads to the parent riding to the rescue to save the day, by doing his homework, calling teachers and coaches, taking care of every tiny thing for their kids.

The irony of swooping in is that parents believe they’re helping their kids by preventing pain. But what they’re actually preventing is growth.

Excerpt from The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety. Copyright © 2021 by Child Mind Institute, Inc. Published by Harmony Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

Learn more about The Scaffold Effect here.

How to Raise an Independent Child — Green Child Magazine

“Oh! I thought this child was alone!”

As my 4-year old walked ahead of me in the supermarket, I noticed an adult looking around for a parent. I picked up my pace and quickly informed the person that I was the child’s mother.

I hear this comment a lot – whether at the store, or because I let her climb a playground structure on her own, or because we let her run ahead of us at the airport. Actually, this statement blows my mind because if the people saying it were to look up, they would see me right there.

The expectations for today’s parents are overwhelming. No matter which parenting style you follow, you’re sure to receive constant feedback on it – from the news, social media, or out in public. We’re supposed to let our kids take risks, but we have to be right there so they never get hurt. In many cases, we’re expected to have a child who behaves even better than an adult.

Since Julie Lythcott-Haims wrote How to Raise an Adult, there has been a push toward anti-helicopter parenting. “Not only does overparenting hurt our children; it harms us, too. Parents today are scared,” she explains, “not to mention exhausted, anxious, and depressed.”

Working Against the Helicopter Parent Norm

So, how do we raise an independent child in a society that seems to expect us to hover like helicopter parents?

First let’s define the term helicopter parent. It’s a parent who constantly hovers over their kids without giving them the chance to learn how to do things on their own. In other words, a helicopter parent does everything for their child. It’s pretty easy to see the problem with helicopter parenting. Without opportunities to make decisions and make mistakes, our children will struggle to be independent.

But let’s not confuse helicopter parenting with attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is about creating a secure and strong bond with your child. It doesn’t mean we are constantly hovering. It means we are there for our child when she needs us, but we encourage her to trust herself enough to figure things out on her own.

The Key is Striking a Balance

Here are some ways to help you strike that fine balance between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting to help foster an independent child.

Remember that you know your child better than anyone. When you pay attention to your intuition, it will always guide you to parent your child in the best possible way and give them that safe haven attachment they crave.

Be Mindful of Your Child’s Age

Raising an independent child means you encourage them to do things on their own when they are ready and capable. It doesn’t mean you should leave your baby crying for hours so they can be more independent. There’s a time for everything, and it’s natural for a small child to want to be close to you.

The most important thing you can do for them, especially at this stage, is to be present and respond to their cues and needs. This helps your child become more secure and eventually, they will start doing things on their own. It is a beautiful thing to watch unfold!

How will you know when they’re ready? You just will. You will notice your child starts asking less from you, and doing more things on their own.

When this happens, it’s the perfect time to encourage them to do even things on their own. The best way to do this is to lead by example. Our kids learn so much by watching us. Add to that your guidance and your child will start to figure out how to do so many things on their own.

Encourage vs. Tell Them What To Do

One day my toddler asked, “Mama, can you draw a heart for me?”

I responded, “Why don’t you bring me another sheet of paper and I’ll show you how to make one. ”

I drew a heart and explained what I was doing. Then, after many tries, she made her first heart. The look on her face when she figured it out was priceless!

You can apply this principle to pretty much anything your child wants to do. As they get older you give less instructions because you will know they can actually do what they want to accomplish.

Listen to Your Child

Every child develops at a different pace, which means it’s important to be a present parent and one who listens. You will know what your child is capable of doing if you pay close attention to them.

And remember, children are capable of learning things from a young age. For example, we taught both of our kids how to use a knife when they were toddlers. We talked about the process, we showed them how sharp a knife can be and eventually they were ready to use a knife on their own. Now my 7-year-old independent child cuts up fruit for her 4-year-old sister frequently.

Give Your Child Space

Practicing attachment parenting doesn’t mean you are supervising your child every minute of the day. It means you’re accessible, and you are their source of love. You can help when they need it, and you know when to back off.

Figuring out when to back off, especially if your child is a toddler, can be tricky. But if you see that every month, every year, your child is doing more and more things on their own, with less intervening from you, then you know you’re on the right track.

One thing I personally do with my kids is ask if they can try and do something on their own first. They have surprised me many times!

Welcome Mistakes

We all make mistakes, in fact, it’s one of the ways we learn. One story that stuck with me since I was a teenager is the one of Thomas Edison. It took him thousands of tries to figure out how to make a lightbulb and when asked about it, he said, “I haven’t failed — I’ve just found 10,000 that won’t work.”

There’s no such thing as failure, it’s simply attempts you make in order to reach your goal. When we approach new tasks or activities this way, your children become less scared because they know they will eventually figure it out. They also know they won’t get in trouble if they don’t get it right the first time.

This is a great way to raise our children – by encouraging them to experiment, to discover and even figure out (developmentally appropriate) things on their own. When a mistake happens, don’t make a big deal out of it because it is simply a natural part of the process.

An Independent Child Still Needs Your Love

The most important thing you can do for your child is to make sure they are loved. My mom always told me she’s my cushion and when I fall, she’s right here to help me get back up and remind me of how capable I am. A supportive and reassuring environment gives a child the framework they need to be connected, responsible, and willing to try new things without fear.

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Carolina King

Costa Rican born Carolina King believes every mother should raise her kids by listening to her instincts. She’s the mother of two girls and is an advocate of positive parenting practices which focus on raising children with both love and respect. Carolina inspires mothers to tap into their power of intuition, enabling them to live their best lives and raise their children in a way that is right for their unique family situation. She is also passionate about educating parents on health and wellness topics so that parents can make informed decisions.

How to raise an independent child: the method of a lazy mother

August 30, 2021RelationshipsBooks

Principles that will help parents teach their children important life skills and avoid scandals and whims.

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of a huge number of things.

It's good to be a lazy mother who can sleep until noon on weekends, because the children will wake up and wash themselves, and make breakfast for themselves, and find something to do. It's good to be a lazy dad, whose children themselves will clean the room without a command, and then they will also help fix the tap. We will tell you how to become so lazy-happy so that even the children are happy.

Anna Bykova

Author of the book “Independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother””, child and family psychologist, educator.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

Actually, laziness with such an approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mother's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.

Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mother.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself

Not to do for a child what he already can is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at a year and a half a child can cope with a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put toys away, at five - heat up breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow him to do this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, dress, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can do

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for a child, ask yourself: why can't the child do it for himself? It’s one thing - he can’t physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

It's another matter - he can't, because he doesn't want to, demands attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if a child simply does not know how yet, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don’t do it for him

You need to teach your child according to the scheme “show → do together → let do with a hint → let do it yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days making the house safe and teaching a child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve a problem, don't solve it for a child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he "can't". How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow a child to make mistakes

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. Lazy people will not scold a child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for a jacket that is too light for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, to be near and lend a shoulder.

This is more difficult than doing everything on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every “no”

Some of the prohibitions are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

Anna Bykova

Therefore, only that which is unsafe can be “impossible”. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to come off your tongue, stop, think, answer your question: “Why not?”

Anna Bykova

If it is impossible because it is more convenient for you, then you will not see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get the child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child experience independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”

Anna Bykova

When a child can do something but doesn't want to, get him interested. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make the child stop needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from teaching experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

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How to raise independence in a child: 9 rules

The ideal picture that parents draw in their imagination often looks like this: the child does everything himself, quickly and accurately. One important detail remains behind the scenes - he does only what he is told. Get up, wash your face and brush your teeth, go to breakfast - please! But the willingness to willingly follow directions, no matter how valuable they may be, is not independence at all, but only obedience. It is the habit of “obeying” adults that becomes one of the main reasons for passivity, lack of ideas and lack of initiative - psychological problems that parents of schoolchildren so often face. “He can’t really say what he wants, and he won’t do anything himself until you remind me! And just who is he like that? - you can hear the complaints of adults.

In fact, independence begins to form quite early. The main thing is to notice it in time. Already at 1-2 years old, the first conscious desires for independent actions appear in the crumbs. As soon as he understands that he can satisfy some of his needs himself (get out of bed, drink from a bottle, turn on the light), he tries to do it. And immediately he hears the first parental prohibitions: do not touch, otherwise you will break, put in place, otherwise you will spill! Further - more: stop, don’t go there, put it back, give it back ... At 3-4 years old, the baby experiences the first serious crisis of growing up, when an understanding comes to him: not only his actions, but also his desires may differ from what adults require. He wants to wear a yellow T-shirt to kindergarten, but his mother pulls on a gray one - it's more practical. A trifle? By no means! Vigilant control and constant pressure from adults not only destroy the child's craving for knowledge of the world, but also completely discourage independent action in general. Pretty quickly, the child understands: sometimes it’s not necessary to make efforts where you don’t want to (adults will do everything themselves), and begins to use it. How to prevent such a development of events?