Two kids fighting

11 Sure-Fire Ways to Stop Sibling Fighting and to Encourage Kids to Get Along

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Tired of listening to your kids arguing all the time? Here are 11 effective and simple ways to stop sibling fighting and to encourage your kids to get along.

Sibling rivalry, bickering, squabbling, arguing… call it what you will, it’s frustrating, upsetting and mentally exhausting when your kids constantly fight with each other.

A certain amount of bickering between siblings is normal and even necessary for your kids’ social and emotional development.

As much as it drives us crazy, disagreements between siblings teach our kids how to deal with and resolve conflict at an early age, which will help them handle conflicts in relationships outside of their immediate family as they get older.

Related: What to Do When Your Child Can’t Make Friends at School

However, when your kids fight all the time, it disrupts the family dynamic and stress levels in the home can run high. It’s so draining to have to referee your kids ‘arguments all day long.

Imagine how much more peaceful your home could be if your kids would just get along!

Take this question from one of my Facebook followers:

Our 3 children fight CONSTANTLY & about EVERYTHING! It’s literally from the minute they wake up to the minute they fall asleep!! Any help on getting them to stop fighting all the time?

I turned to the parents in my Happy Hooligans Facebook Community for their best ways to deal with siblings who fight constantly, and as always they came through.

They shared a lot of effective ways to drastically reduce sibling rivalry and I was amazed by how simple their solutions were.

Many of the same tips were suggested time after time by parents from all over the world who swear by them.

I’ve compiled the tips that were shared most often to share with you.

Deep breath! You’re this close to ending the sibling squabbles in your home for good.

11 Effective Ways to Stop Sibling Fighting For Good

Hold Hands, (Or Sit Nose to Nose):

Believe it or not, many of my followers said this is a sure-fire solution to end the quarrelling. Here’s what one follower said:

I make my kids sit on the couch and hold hands. I did it twice with my kids, and now when an an argument is about to break out, I just calmly ask ‘Do you need to hold hands? ‘  They figure out how to solve the issue pretty quickly now.

Another said:

I used to have my kids sit in the floor nose to nose when they wouldn’t stop fighting. It usually lasted about 20 seconds and then they’d be laughing so hard, they’d forget that they were even fighting.

2 Bodies 1 Tee-Shirt

Some call it the punishment shirt, while other families call it the I Love You Shirt. The idea is that you have an extra-large men’s T-shirt that the children have to wear together until they stop bickering. Older kids can even be made to do chores while crammed in the tee-shirt together. While the shirt is on, talk about how things work out better when they work together (trust me, if they want to do anything while wearing one shirt, they have to work together.) 

Job Jar

One of my followers swears by her “job jar”.  She says:

Think of about a dozen chores. Write them on small strips of paper. Laminate them or cover with tape so they can’t get mangled. Expain to your kids that each time a fight breaks out they all have to pick a job out if the job jar. They don’t get to choose; they just grab one. When the squabbling starts, just calmly say, ‘job jar’.

Money Jar

My friend just started a money jar. Basically everyone has their own jar (including mom) for fighting, hitting, talking back etc. Every time someone slips up, money gets transferred from their jar to mom’s jar. If they hurt someone else, the money goes into that person’s jar. For good things they do, money comes out of mom’s jar and back into their jar. At the end of the month, if they’ve earned a certain amount of money they get to buy a treat with it.

It’s amazing the difference it has made. The kids have gone from non stop fighting to occasional fighting to playing well together.

Be Calm

Several of our followers said to stay calm and let the siblings work it out themselves. They explained that they’ve taught their children conflict resolution skills, so when the fighting breaks out, they stay out of it, intervening only when absolutely necessary. As one follower said:  

 Resolving conflict is a life skill we all must learn along the way. Who better to learn it with than your siblings?

Separate Them

While some parents suggest putting the kids close together to diffuse an argument, many others are in favour of separating. It works for so many families:

Separate them for an entire day. They will cherish their time together again.

SEPARATION works for me… it is amazing how much they miss each other when I call for no communication or playing until they learn to treat the other one the way they would like to be treated.

Mine get separated and have to sit for 20 minutes with mine that works better than anything else.

Send them to different rooms and make them clean until they can play nice. It works well with my 3 girls.

Put Them Outside

This was suggested a number of times. One follower makes her children sit on a bench outside the front door until they can agree to stop arguing.

Another follower said:

I put my girls outside and shut the door. I would tell them ‘I understand you’re upset with one another, however INSIDE this house we do not yell, scream or shout about our problems. We talk about them’. I only had to do it 2 more times. After that, I would just have to walk to the door and open it the minute they started.

One on One Time 

As much as you might not think this would make a big difference to siblings fighting, 3 parents said that their kids arguing decreased significantly when they started giving each child designated “one on one” time i.e. a game, cooking, watching a movie, a walk to the park etc. In one family, the Dad takes one of the kids out for a special breakfast on Sunday mornings.

Hug it Out

I made my girls hug, and they had to keep hugging until they stopped being mad at each other. They would end up laughing at their situation because they were physically locked together. Then the ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I’m sorries’ would follow.

Clean the House

So many parents said they make their kids clean the house when they’re bickering needlessly. Given the choice to clean the house or stop arguing, kids will stop arguing every time.

And lastly,

Give them a Problem to Solve Together

This one was a friend’s suggestion. She had three boys very close in age, and to stop their arguing she would have them do a puzzle together. When they finished that one, she would give them a harder one. Solving puzzles together encouraged them to get along, rely on each other, and help one another.

In closing, it may help to remember that a certain amount of bickering and fighting is normal and even healthy in your children’s relationships with each other. As one mother put it:

Honestly, my mom tried everything to get me and my sister to stop fighting. We hated each other until my sister moved out and then we became best friends.. It’s gonna happen, Momma. Just grin & bare it. They’ll realize one day that when it comes down to it, family is all you’ve got!

Try some of these ideas, and see if one works for you. With my own children and the hooligans, consistency is key. When you find a solution that works, stick with it, and I’m confident that you’ll see a marked improvement in how your children get along.

More Solutions To Common Parenting Challenges:

When Chore Charts Don’t Work

How to Get Teens to Hang Up Their Towels: 10 Fail-Proof Solutions

My Kid Wants to Quit an Extracurricular Activity. What Should I do?

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Jackie Currie

Jackie is a mom, wife, home daycare provider, and the creative spirit behind Happy Hooligans. She specializes in kids’ crafts and activities, easy recipes, and parenting. She began blogging in 2011, and today, Happy Hooligans inspires more than 2 million parents, caregivers and Early Years Professionals all over the globe.

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10 simple rules on how to stop hostility between children

In many families, the New Year holidays are the period when children not only spend more time together, but also fight, be rude and troll each other more. If during the holidays you realized that you can no longer cope with children, listen to our regular author Ksenia Buksha. Based on the experience of her family with three children, she explains what to do to bring peace and tranquility to the house.

1. Children will not figure it out on their own

For many animals, if they live in the same territory, it is natural to divide it. But people are more complicated than cats, so their division is not so literal and the rules are not so clear. It is impossible to determine once and for all who is stronger and stop fighting. Each one fights with his own weapon: one will hit, the other will sneak in, one will "imperceptibly" touch the turret and enjoy the wrath of the other.

Sometimes parents say: "Let's not interfere, let them figure it out themselves." But usually, if the children "figure it out themselves", this is about the same as disassembling the seals on their own: strength and cunning, claws and fangs. In order for children to understand humanly, they need to learn human rules and laws. Who can give them? Only parents.

2. Fights and squabbles are not the norm

Some (especially dads) say: "Children often hit each other", "It's normal, so my brother and I fought - and grew up close people." Yes, some people are lucky. But there are plenty of reverse examples.

Martha, 26:

“My sister and I are not particularly good friends, even though we are only two years apart. She was a favorite, and they only demanded of me. She teased me, I pulled her hair, and only I was punished.”

Nastya, 12 years old:

“My brother kicks me all the time, but my parents don't care. They say: you tease him yourself. He would rather join the army."

If we want to build the right relationship between brother and sister, they must be managed. How active depends on the specific case.

3. Relationship style is the most important thing

If dad gives cuffs, the ban on fights between brothers will not work. If the mother yells to the elder “I got it!” The older one will tell the younger one. If every day everyone says “good morning” and “bon appetit” to each other, meets and sees off at the door, kisses good night, there will be less aggression in general. A culture of respect for each other in the family really helps.

4. Being a brother or sister is cool!

It is important to emphasize this prophylactically every day. Just like that, for no reason: "It's great that Kolya has you - an older brother, so strong and smart!", "It's good that I have two (seven) of you!", "Is she really cute? And you, and you are very cute! It is better to start before any conflicts, and if there are a lot of them, to seize a quiet moment.

Honestly, it works. I tried it on my family twice: when my eldest (then seven-year-old) son had a little sister and when, two years later, the children had an almost ten-year-old foster sister.

5. Less contact, less conflict

If children are constantly fighting, they should not be left alone with each other. This will not always be the case. But for now, it’s like this: mom to the kitchen — the children with her. You can specially organize their games together, and if they cannot play peacefully, then let them spend time separately. They can do it together when they grow up. In the meantime, the fewer contacts, the fewer conflicts.

Sometimes it makes sense to separate children more often: one at a mug, and the other at home with mom. If there are two parents, you can even walk separately. The fewer reasons children have for conflict, the easier it is to build their relationship. And then gradually bring them together, controlling the joint game, and see what happens.

6. If there is a fight, the children disperse

As soon as the children begin to quarrel or fight, we immediately separate them away from each other. There is a clear rule: if there is a fight or a violent skirmish, resentment, tears, the children disperse and do not play together for some time. At the same time, it makes no sense to scold children and show emotions in general. It's like a law of nature: they grappled - they parted. Gradually, periods of calm play will become longer. Children value communication and are ready to learn its rules.

7. Need clear criteria for what is unacceptable

There must be a clear distinction between what exactly is out of bounds in your family. Depending on the age and nature of the problems in different families, these will be different things. For example, if we have two active pugnacious brothers of three and five years old, then most likely there will be a rule "do not hurt each other, do not bite." Because they can't help but fight, they want to tinker. It is important to measure efforts.

And for a brother and sister 10-12 years old, the rule “do not touch each other” (in the sense of not pushing, not grabbing hands) and “do not touch other people's things without permission” will do. If the main problem is rudeness or the desire to hurt each other, you need to try to understand how conflicts occur and also set the rules.

8. There should not be right and wrong

As a rule, it is better not to appoint a culprit, even if the instigator seems to be always alone. A fighter or boor needs our help just as much as a weak child. There is no need to say: "Come on, stop beating Gosha." Children should hear from you: “Don’t fight!”, “We don’t quarrel! We live in peace! Otherwise, the fighter will be strengthened in the opinion that he is an outcast, a black sheep, and there is nothing left for him but to continue and continue to act in this role.

9. Sneaking isn't always a bad thing

If children can be left alone in a room or even an apartment, it would be good to let each of them talk. More precisely, tell your parents your version of events. Sneaking should not be considered something bad if it is not followed by punishment. And we are not going to punish. We just need to know what is happening and hear the voices of all parties to the conflict.

This will protect both the weak and the strong child. If they understand that the parent will find out anyway, they will think again before hitting, teasing, teasing each other.

10. There should be fewer reasons to quarrel

Let's go back to the beginning. People are animals. They clash more often if they have a lot to share. Parent time or time with a toy. Space (room). Any rights or benefits. It is clear that it is not always possible to give everyone their own room or even their own corner. Or buy each your own tablet. But we will try to isolate the children to the maximum.

A funny example: in our family, stationery is wrapped with ribbons of different colors - one child has yellow, another has green, the third has blue. Some toys are shared, and some are personal property, and in order to play with them, you must ask the owner's permission.

Maybe it sounds strange, because many families live differently, and all children have all the toys in common. But in my experience, the less forced interactions and competition for resources children have, the more willing they are to play peacefully together.

Such proposals are somewhat banal, somewhat controversial. But, it seems to me, they can be a great help to keep peace in the house.

Photo: Unsplash (Kelly Sikkema). GIFs: giphy.com

Fights between brothers and sisters: why do they fight and can it be avoided

I have three boys and fighting is our daily routine. Previously, we limited ourselves to an easy struggle between the older sons, but now the younger one has begun to take an interest. I have a suspicion that the resolution of verbal and physical conflicts will be a part of my life for many years to come, so I tried to comprehensively consider this integral part of life and figure out why children fight and how parents should behave in such a situation.

All children fight, regardless of gender and age (here I immediately remembered how we fought quite seriously on hangers with my younger sister). It is a fact. And part of it just needs to be accepted. In addition, conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships, which is necessary for personal development, establishing boundaries between people and awareness of one's inner emotions, because anger, rage and anger are no less important than joy and sadness. But still, it is in our parental interests not to let a child fight escalate into violence, bullying or suppression by one of the children of the other.

The main thing here is to find that fine line beyond which the game ends and the inevitable fuss between brothers and sisters, and one of the children becomes an eternal victim, and the other a constant source of violence

There are many reasons for a fight between brothers and sisters: the struggle for the attention of parents (“why does dad watch football with him again when I want to play cars”), victory at any cost (“you have to fight back, because no one likes weaklings”), a fight from resentment (“he calls me names, and I will hit back ”), a fight in the name of justice (“it’s so dishonest, they always give him the first piece of cake”), there are fights just out of boredom, and, of course, the classic version when the younger one “gets” the older one, who suffers for a long time, and then ... So that there are indeed many reasons.

Often the intervention of parents only aggravates the situation, as we take the side of one of the children, hang labels (“you are older”, “you are more”, “he is still quite stupid”) and, without really understanding, distribute punishments (“go to your room and think about your behavior”, “you are punished and will be left without dessert”, “a week without TV” and so on). And if you try to look at all this from the other side? After all, you can help children learn to hear and listen to each other, show empathy and find a compromise.

Be neutral. Regardless of the age of the children, do not take sides. Even in a situation where it is unequivocally clear which of them is right and which is wrong. By taking the side of the injured party, you simply repeat the obvious fact once again and are unlikely to change, and maybe even aggravate the conflict situation.

Remain calm on the outside (even if anger rages on the inside). Exhale and speak in an even tone, this has a much more sobering effect than yelling.

Physically separate the children to (not necessarily in different rooms, just create some distance). Here again, be neutral, even if a small child is involved in the fight. Take his hand and tell him in the presence of the elder: "I will now put you on the sofa so that you can calm down." Then repeat the same words to the elder and seat him on a chair. Here again, the fact of equal treatment of children is important, then there will be neither a victim nor an offender.

If the kids are fighting over a toy, just take it away. Promise to return the subject of the quarrel after the children agree on how they will play next.

Don't intervene right away. Children love to fight in the presence of their parents, on the one hand, it is like an involuntary approval of what is happening by a significant adult, and on the other hand, a kind of self-affirmation and an indicator of physical abilities. If the situation does not escalate and does not go beyond fuss, you can just sit nearby and show with your whole appearance that you believe in them and are sure that they will settle everything without your intervention. And when you get bored (again, provided that the conflict is minor), then you can just get up and leave the room. You will be surprised how quickly the fight will stop due to the fact that the main audience has left the hall.

Fighting, especially among boys, is often just a way of playing with each other. So while all family members (and grandmother's vases) are out of danger, let them knock each other off their feet as much as they like.

Help them hear each other. If the fight has gone beyond the game, you can put the opposing sides on the sofa (on the sand on the beach, on the chairs in the kitchen, on the steps) and tell them that now each is responsible for the other and that they will sit like that until they allow each other friend to get up and continue playing. Such an offer will make them seek cooperation, not fight. Alternatively, the children can be sent to another room together and told that they can leave when they find a solution to the problem.

Children need an outlet of energy , the more they are busy and active, the less time and energy they have left for a fight, so sports and all kinds of tasks from parents are a very important thing ("Listen, but you argue 15 once you won’t be able to wring out!”).

And, of course, the game and sense of humor. Distract the children from each other by drawing attention to yourself. And then make them laugh, because laughter, as you know, is the best cure for anger and aggression. Let the children team up against you as a joke, and instead of a problematic fight, you will get a family team.

Useful games from Lawrence Cohen's book "Games that educate"

blue). And then the entertaining mother, instead of taking away the subject of contention or taking the side of one of the conflicting parties, snatches the spoon herself and runs away: “No boys, this is not your spoon! This is my spoon! Forever and ever! Even if you unite against me, it won't help you get my spoon!"