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How to learn social skills


10 Tips to Be More Social

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What are social skills?

The benefits of having good social skills

How can I enhance my social skills?

Do I have trouble with social skills?

The bottom line

We all have moments where our social skills fail us. Perhaps your joke was greeted with awkward silence. Or, at a restaurant, you enthusiastically told the waiter that they, too, should enjoy their meal. 

The odd mishap with friends is hardly cause for alarm. The embarrassment will soon transform into an inside joke, deeping your bond with others.

But, if you fumble too often, it can take a toll on your self-esteem and mental health. If you don't know how to improve your social skills, it can hold you back socially and at work. Some behaviors can come across as antisocial or even harmful to others, while simple shyness can read as aloof, standoffish, or arrogant. Knowing this might not put you at ease, but it can help you understand other people's reactions.

Now that companies are starting to pull teams together in person, many people are feeling some level of social anxiety. Just because it feels uncomfortable, not feeling confident in your ability to spend more than 5 minutes chatting with coworkers isn't an option. The good news? The past two years haven't helped anyone feel socially smooth. Many people are feeling awkward. The bad news? Many people are behaving awkwardly, and misunderstandings will happen.  

You don’t have to change yourself. But you might have to change your approach, not just to appear more sociable but to avoid the most unnecessary points of friction that undermine your confidence. This will not only improve how others perceive you, but it can also benefit you in other ways.

If you’ve been feeling out of place, developing your social skills can help you feel more at home with your colleagues. It can also improve your confidence, sense of belonging, and ability to collaborate at work — all important skills that will affect your mental health, motivation, and ability to succeed.

Training your social skills can be difficult. But we know you can do it. 

Here’s how to improve social skills at work, with strangers, and in every other part of your life.

Social skills are the verbal and nonverbal communication skills required to foster connections and appropriately navigate social settings. Think about socializing a puppy: The more interaction it has with other puppies when it’s young, the better it knows how to act when it’s older. Humans are similar. 

Most of the time, when people think of “social skills,” they think of their everyday interactions. It’s how they gain acceptance from their colleagues or peers and involves being comfortable when speaking to strangers, easily making friends, and earning the respect of your co-workers.

These things don’t always come naturally. Individuals with social anxiety, for example, might have trouble connecting with others. Introverts or shy people who like to keep to themselves may actively avoid social interactions — and appear rude as a result. Or, sometimes, we get uncomfortable around people we don’t know and lose some of our social confidence.

No matter the case, it’s nice to have some basic principles to fall back on. Knowing how to develop your social skills will help you in the long run. 

The benefits of having good social skills

So what’s in it for you? Well, a lot. Improving your social skills is essential for your social health and overall well-being.

In terms of mental health, people with strong social ties have lower rates of anxiety and depression. They also have higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and are more cooperative. 

For your physical health, researchers knew as early as 1988 that lack of social connection is more harmful than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure. And, more recently, they learned that isolation is associated with a 50% increased risk of dementia as you age. 

Sharpening your social skills will also pay you back in the form of social capital. Entire university programs are devoted to studying this concept. But, to keep it simple, we can define social capital as the sum of all benefits from being part of a social group.

Social capital comes with its own list of benefits:

  • People will like working with you. Social capital often translates to goodwill from your colleagues; if you’re easy to work with, people will be in your corner when you need it — like when you’re gunning for that next big promotion. 
  • When you ask for help, people provide it. What goes around comes around. If you’re kind and helpful to others, they’ll do the same for you. 
  • Others will understand your boundaries. Don’t want to go to a social event? It’ll be easier to refuse when people trust there are no hard feelings. When you use your social skills, you can help others see where you’re coming from and better communicate your feelings.  
  • Clients will love you. Whether you’re a freelancer, salesperson, or customer service rep, social skills are essential to winning and keeping clients. People like good work with a good attitude. 
  • You’ll nail your job interviews. Job interviews are about making great impressions. This is the perfect environment to flex your social skills. Use open body language, eye contact, and friendly facial expressions to impress your interviewers.

In today’s gig economy, social capital is critical. It can earn you a higher salary, win you more interesting projects, and may be the deciding factor in your next job application. Consider working with a BetterUp coach to improve this area of your career. 

How can I enhance my social skills?

We’re glad you asked! You can definitely learn or improve your social life. Here are some general guidelines to get you started:

1. Improve your emotional intelligence

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what they might be going through and try to understand their feelings. You’ll better understand their perspective, which will help you respond appropriately. 

2. Look inwards

Pay attention to your emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and triggers. Then it will be easier to control them while interacting with others.

3. Practice effective communication skills

Use tactics like active listening and open body language to demonstrate attentiveness. This opens the door to more positive interactions.

4. Fake it ‘till you make it

Try acting like your more social peers, even if it’s just small talk. It will become easier every time you try it.

5. Ask more than you speak

You don’t have to worry about speaking up; ask open-ended questions and use active listening. People love talking about themselves.

6. Give compliments

Everyone likes a good compliment. Tell someone that they were great in that meeting, or their project was top-notch. Be specific.

7. Be polite

Good manners go a long way. Words like “please” and “thank you” are small but powerful ways to soften requests.

8. Use open body language and non-verbal communication

Face the person with whom you’re speaking. Pay attention to your tone of voice. Make eye contact. Use your body language to show you’re present and paying attention.

9. Read the news

So many conversations revolve around current events; try to keep up so you can chime in.

10. Don’t let your thoughts get the best of you

It’s okay to feel a little anxious, but don’t let it get the best of you. You’re not your thoughts. Take a deep breath and try to let them go; this will help you relax in a social situation.

11. Start small

Start by spending time in a coffee shop or practicing your conversation skills with family members. Then you can ease into larger social settings. Before you know it, you'll be making new friends at your next social gathering.

Do I have trouble with social skills?

A lot of people with anxiety or ADHD have a hard time connecting with others. Introverts or very shy people may also struggle. 

Here are some signs that you don't have great social skills:

  • You scroll on your phone while people talk to you. Smartphones are great at keeping us connected, but often to the detriment of those right in front of us. It puts a physical barrier between you and the other person at best. This communicates non-receptiveness to their words, and at worst, you seem bored, uninterested, and rude.
  • You never take off your headphones. Sure, you might pause the music while someone talks to you. But they don’t know that. Take out your earbuds to show that you’re listening. 
  • You never do anything in person. These days, you can order just about anything to your door. But while this is wildly convenient, it cuts you off from the outside world. Don’t let yourself become socially isolated.
  • You force humor when it might not be appropriate. You may want to defuse your anxiety with humor, but it’s not always the best time. Learn to read the room and only use jokes when it makes sense.

The bottom line

It’s normal to experience awkward moments. You might tell the theatre employee to enjoy a movie they’re not going to see or tell a joke that no one laughs at. It happens; cut yourself some slack.

But poor social skills go beyond the occasional blunder. At best, you seem aloof. At worst, outright rude. It’s good to evaluate your social skills and see which ones you can improve to be your best self.

That’s not to say that you can learn to overcome shyness or that you have to be a social butterfly. But it’s nice to know that when you want to strike up a conversation — whether inside or out of work — you’ll feel comfortable doing so.

If you need help, BetterUp is here. We’ll give you the tools you need to learn how to improve your social skills to ease your social discomfort or learn better communication skills. Whatever your best self needs, we can help you find.

12 Ways To Improve Social Skills And Make You Sociable Anytime

  Amy Morin, LCSW   Posted on by Amy Morin

If you feel like you’re the awkward person at social events or you struggle to enter into conversations because you’re shy, it can impact your social life and your career. However, you can start improving your social skills by following these 12 strategies and soon, you’ll be able to enter into conversations with confidence.

1. Behave Like a Social Person

You can behave like a more social creature, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t allow anxiety to hold you back. Make the decision to talk to new people and to enter into conversations even when you’re feeling nervous about it. Over time, it will get easier and you’ll quickly start improving your social skills.

2. Start Small if Necessary

If going to a party or spending time in a crowd seems overwhelming, start small. Go into the grocery store and say, “Thank you,” to the clerk or go to a restaurant and order your food. Practice making small talk gradually.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions

If you want the attention off you in a conversation, get familiar with open-ended questions. Encourage others to talk so you won’t have to make the idle chit-chat. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer and you may open the door to invite the other person to keep the conversation going.

4. Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves

Most people really enjoy talking about themselves. Ask a question about a person’s career, hobbies, or family. Show you’re interested in hearing what is being said.

5. Create Goals For Yourself

Establish some small goals for yourself. Perhaps you want to practice one particular skill or maybe you want to start attending a social activity in your community. Establish a goal and begin to work on strategies that will improve your social life.

6. Offer Compliments Generously 

Compliments can be a great way to open the door to a conversation. Offer a co-worker a compliment on a presentation he gave at a meeting or compliment your neighbor on his new car. Compliments can show others that you are friendly.

7. Read Books About Social Skills

There are many books on the market that can help you learn specific social skills and ways to start conversations. However, keep in mind that reading about these skills won’t make you an expert. You’ll need to practice them over and over again.

8. Practice Good Manners 

Good manners go a long way in improving social skills. Practice being polite, showing gratitude, and using good table manners.

9. Pay Attention to Your Body Language

Non-verbal communication is very important. Pay attention to the type of body language you use. Try to appear relaxed, make appropriate amounts of eye contact, and appear open to conversation.

10. Join a Social Skills Support Group

Many communities offer social skill support groups. Support groups help people who feel shy, awkward, or extremely anxious in social situations learn and practice new skills. You’ll start improving social skills and may be able to make new friends who understand your difficulties.

11. Stay Up to Date on Current Events

Read up on current trends and news stories so you have something to talk about with people. Try to avoid anything that is too controversial, such as politics, but do talk about other news stories that may be of interest. It can be a great way to start a conversation and can help you stick to neutral subjects.

12. Identify and Replace Negative Thoughts

If you have a lot of negative thoughts about your social interactions, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, a person who thinks, “I’m really awkward and I will embarrass myself,” may sit in the corner at a party. As a result, he may leave the party thinking that he must be really awkward because no one talked to him.

Identify negative thoughts that are likely dragging you down. Replace them with more realistic thoughts, such as, “I can make conversation and I can meet new people.” Don’t allow yourself to dwell on thoughts that aren’t productive.

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7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Social Skills

Being a Human Being Practices how to

1. Get out of the house

Get out in the literal sense of the word - this is the only way to start communicating with people normally. Zooms with colleagues and correspondence with friends do not count. If you were, as they say, a socially shy person even before the pandemic, then the past months, most likely, only aggravated your condition.

Start with what you love: find an interest group or course and join the nearest face-to-face event. Of course, taking all the necessary precautions. The more often you go somewhere, the more confident you will feel.

2. Don't overthink what to say

In fact, the more you think, the more awkward the conversation usually becomes. Throw aside logic and rationality: you need to enjoy communication yourself and broadcast positive to others.

Concentrate not on words, but on sensations in the body - you should feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible, because in a conversation we are more guided by the body language of the interlocutor than by what exactly he says.

What exactly can be done?

  • Smile. Smile right now and try to feel sad at the same time. Happened? Hardly. What happens to and in the body affects how we feel. Therefore, whenever you are terribly nervous before some kind of meeting and conversation, use a smile as a tool to relax.
  • Stay in the moment , feel here and now. Focusing on feelings and what others are saying will allow you to think less about what to say yourself.
  • Don't try to impress others and appear smarter or more successful than you really are. People meet not to compete, but to enjoy communication.

3. Use every opportunity to communicate

Start by talking to random people, or at least by exchanging greetings and making eye contact. Say hello to a neighbor in the elevator, exchange a couple of phrases about the weather. Greet and thank the barista, compliment the girl in front of you in line for coffee.

It's not about pestering others with talk, but about exchanging positive energy. Also, once you start talking to strangers, you will realize that:

  • they don't bite. For the most part, people are generally quite nice;
  • others also need communication. We live in our “bubbles”, keeping our eyes on the screens of smartphones, and a little friendly conversation is always nice;
  • small talks, for which, for example, Great Britain is famous, small talk or “talk about nothing” is the key to success. You should not consider them as a waste of time - they allow you to establish connections with others and create a pleasant atmosphere around you.

4. Work on your body language

We have already talked about the need to smile and feel relaxed. What else can be done?

  • Straighten your shoulders and lean back in your chair. How did you feel? Probably confident, but relaxed. For contrast, you can try to slouch and listen to the sensations in the body. Working on the pose may seem silly, like trying to smile at your reflection in the mirror, but it works. It is important to turn this into an automatic skill.
  • Learn to maintain eye contact. Do not look at the other person too closely without blinking - try to smile with your eyes and let the other know that you are listening to him.
  • Speak louder. Tone and volume are very important - someone who mumbles or talks under his breath is usually not very pleasant to communicate with.
  • Track the tension in your body and relax. When a social situation excites, disturbs or frightens us, this inevitably reflects on the body. Perhaps your neck or back is tense, you are holding your breath.

5. Focus on others

Being in the moment, smiling, maintaining eye contact, listening to the sensations in the body is very important, but should not distract you from the main thing, from the interlocutor. Do not think about how and what to answer him, try to really hear and understand his experiences. Repeat the words of the interlocutor, paraphrasing them a little to make sure that you correctly grasp the meaning of what was said.

Also:

  • Notice the similarities between you - in views, interests, experiences - and convey it to the interlocutor. We like those who are like us.
  • Give the other person the opportunity to talk about what he likes: this way, communication with you will be associated with something pleasant for him.
  • Do not push: do not show that you are waiting for an immediate answer or cue. Let your counterpart be silent, breathe, collect his thoughts during pauses in the conversation.

6. Feel free to learn how to communicate

Social skills can be acquired through special courses and free videos on YouTube. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There are a lot of training products on the topic of communication, and using them means proving to yourself that this issue is important to you, that you are really ready to work on your communication skills. After all, your personal life and career may be at stake.

7. Be yourself

It would seem that advice contradicts the meaning of the article, in which we encourage you to improve yourself and upgrade your skills. But we're talking about something else: don't put on a mask, don't pretend, don't try to be someone you're not. Tell the world who you really are. How will people around you know what your views and values ​​are, what you are passionate about and what you are really good at, if you don’t tell them about it yourself?

Text: Pauline Franke Photo Source: Getty Images

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social skills exercises and programs - Powermind

Development of social skills

Having strong and meaningful relationships with many people is essential for a healthy and happy life. However, most people spend most of their time communicating through a computer screen.

We send each other virtual messages instead of real interaction. This causes a lack of ability to connect with people in real life.

For the first time in history, we are covered by an epidemic of loneliness. Millions of people who have few, if any, friends feel lonely in a world where it has become so easy to connect with others. The development of social skills will help get rid of loneliness.

Social skills are the abilities that a person uses in communicating (verbal and non-verbal) and interacting with people.

The process of their development is called socialization. A person with undeveloped social skills is doomed to difficulties in communication.

Why you need to develop social skills

Developing social skills is necessary for:

building good relationships with people;
formation of communication skills;
improve the efficiency of life in all areas. The ability to communicate properly helps to socially distance yourself from unpleasant people;
obtaining new career prospects. The highest paid positions are received by those who have developed the ability to negotiate, negotiate, and convince. Large companies are looking for employees who can work in a team and motivate others to achieve their goals;
increase the level of happiness. The ability to resolve conflicts helps to feel comfortable in any team.

Types of social skills

The following social skills are distinguished:

the ability to properly present oneself;
the ability to control voice and emotions;
the ability to conduct a conversation correctly;
the ability to present oneself in a team;
the ability to adequately respond to criticism;
the ability to accept compliments in your address.

7 obstacles

The development of social skills slows down against the background of:

emotional instability and irascibility. An easily irritated person is not able to hear an interlocutor who has an antagonistic position. He is categorical and tends to jump to conclusions. Developed social skills help to normalize emotional balance and learn to control oneself;
excessive credulity. A person who does not know how to analyze information and work out situations often shows frivolity. The formation of socio-communicative skills simultaneously develops the principles of verification, demarcation of scientific knowledge and falsifiability;
conformity. A conformist is a person who is unable to make decisions independently and does not have his own position. Such a person is easily influenced by others and acts on the basis of someone else's point of view, mistakenly taking it for his own. Developing social skills helps a person stop looking for shortcuts. Gradually, one's own position is developed: special training helps a person understand what he wants and start walking along the chosen path. In this case, nonconformism may develop, but this is not necessary;
victimization. A person who is in the position of a victim is characterized by the inability to think and act rationally. The desire to develop social and communication skills leads to the formation of emotional intelligence. A person who has outgrown victimhood becomes the master of his life;
arrogance. A person suffering from arrogance unreasonably considers other people worse than himself, and neglects their interests. The presence of social and communication skills helps to get rid of the feeling of imaginary superiority and develop communication skills;
insurance. Their presence blocks even the most timid thoughts about action. As a result, a person does not do anything to realize their desires. Developing social skills helps you learn to take responsibility, admit and correct your mistakes, and get the most out of them;
energy withdrawal. This is a derivative of pride and selfishness. Egoman (whether he wants it or not), teasing interlocutors, allowing causticity in communication, unwittingly takes energy from them. When another person sees that energy is being taken away from him, it becomes unpleasant for him to communicate with the egoman.

How to develop social skills

To develop social skills you need to:

learn to love people. First you need to learn to understand them and see something good in every person. A person who treats other people well, not out of compulsion, but from the heart, receives sympathy in return. Here the principle works: “you like me because I like you”. You should not put on a mask and try to hide your true attitude behind it: it does not work. People always feel related to themselves;
get rid of pride. Developed social skills help to be directed during the dialogue to return energy. You should learn to hear the interlocutor;
learn to be yourself (but at the same time try to give, not take). In the process of communication there should be no masks and standards of behavior. There should be no dependence on someone else's opinion, and the desire to appear better;
stay positive. You need to learn how to build your life so that there is no discomfort. This means that you need to be able to develop a certain attitude towards your mistakes;
increase emotional intelligence. Developed social skills help you learn to fully control your emotions. Don't let negative and destructive emotions catch you off guard;
try to communicate with successful people. The modeling process in this case occurs “on the machine”. Knowing about the skills and abilities of those who were able to succeed will help to subconsciously adopt the appropriate personal qualities. Over time, this will be expressed in how a person communicates with other people. It is also recommended to resort to conscious modeling, which includes a rigorous analysis of the behavior of successful individuals. At the same time, it is desirable to avoid imitation.
The acquired knowledge must be put into practice: that is, to communicate directly with a variety of people. Having gained real experience of interacting with others, you can master social skills and develop a new model of behavior.

To do this, it is recommended to go out more often, attend mass events and lead an active social life. It is necessary to have different role models in front of your eyes and systematically receive feedback.

Sometimes missing social skills indicate a lack of self-confidence. Constant nervousness and internal stiffness forces a person to behave very stiffly.

Special techniques and games help to relax: as a result, a person becomes more charming and witty, it becomes easier for him to maintain a conversation and find the right words when communicating.

Having noticed insecurities behind you, you should first of all tackle it: it is because of it that social and communication skills suffer, and most of the problems in life appear.

Social skills are formed gradually. To speed up the process, you can use one proven method.

Self-confidence hypnosis

Powermind hypnosis reveals deep-seated attitudes that do not allow you to feel your own strength. It also helps to understand under what circumstances and when their integration into the psyche occurred.

After several sessions of hypnosis, the client understands how relevant the received attitudes are, conducts a kind of revision in the soul and gets rid of everything unnecessary. The vacated place is replaced by those attitudes that he considers important and correct.

The main ways of working with the subconscious:

work with a hypnotherapist;
listening to special soundtracks;
autotraining.
Listening to tracks, a person becomes as receptive as possible. At this moment, the ability to receive new information and conduct a deep analysis of one's own feelings is revealed. The result is the overcoming of protective barriers built by the psyche over a long period of time.

Self-hypnosis also has an effect on the body: during the session, relaxation of the skeletal muscles is observed. There are no reactions to external stimuli.

The person seems to live through the traumatic events that led to the emergence of protective barriers. This allows you to get rid of the accumulated negative emotions and raise deep attitudes to the level of consciousness.

Mobile application

The Powermind application, which appeared in the Apple and Google Play Store in the summer of 2020 (in Russia, it started working in 2021), offers a large number of hypnotic soundtracks that help to work out deep installations.
To register in the application, you will need to provide a name, e-mail and create a password. You can also register using your Facebook profile.
The application will be especially useful for people who are insecure, “involuntarily introverts” – those who would like to learn proper communication, but for some reason cannot do it.

All the things described seem banal, but they help to make a master of communication out of an insecure person with undeveloped social skills. As a result, he becomes able to extract the maximum benefit for himself from any situation.

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