Joke stories short

Funny Short Stories to Tell Your Friends

Steps for Mommy

One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery

One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this...

Pleats Will Come Back

I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham

I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. I wore it confidently to an evening...

My Newspaper Was Different

A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,” I told her. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store. Exasperated, the customer glared at me and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!” —Edward Oppenheimer

A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,”...

Without Her Man

When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing. ” The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen

When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her...

Learn to Whistle

Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. “Now I just wish you could.” —Megs Brunner

Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer...

A Great Uncle

The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. What did I do?” —Peggy Klasse

The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. What...

Looking Forward to Your Death

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!” —Mona Randem

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m...

I Want the Left Side

As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. “Which side is left?” —Josh Weston

As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. “No, I...

Previously Beautiful

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. “Past tense.” Reema Rahat, in Reader’s Digest International Edition

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised...

Bring it Back Tomorrow

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. “Sure. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. The customer,...

Expired 18

“Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was indeed of age. I scanned the ID, but it came back expired. Now thoroughly deflated, he asked, “Does that mean I’m not 18?” —David Hansen

“Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was...

First Day of Retirement

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned that Mom was retired. Interested, she confessed that she, too, was considering retirement. Mom immediately started telling her how much she liked no longer working and how the saleswoman would enjoy it too. Finally, convinced by Mom’s enthusiasm, she asked, “How long have you been retired?” Mom said, “This is my first day.” —Lee Beacham

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned...

Meet the Genius

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very confusing. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. My name is Mike, I work for the county engineer’s office, and I’m the genius who designed this!” Surprisingly, he still gave me a tip. —Patrick Grilliot

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very. ..

Do It Right the First Time

After doing some DIY projects around the house, I have a new motto: Do your best to do things right the first few times. —Thomas Ngo

Lady Godiva

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume tomorrow,” the representative said. “In the meantime, feel free to keep the Lady Godiva costume you got by mistake.” —Karen Atanasoff

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume...

Lazy Award

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think you qualify, raise your hand.” Everyone raises their hands except a middle-aged man who seems to show little interest. “Congratulations! You are the winner,” says the emcee to the man. “Your prize is this $100 bill!” Still showing no emotion, the man replies, “Would you mind coming over here and putting it in my pocket?” —Submitted by José J. Zuluaga

At an event famous for giving out awards in bizarre categories, the emcee enthusiastically announces, “The next prize will go to the laziest person in the audience. If you think...

Can’t Remember the Name

I had a chance encounter with a pastor who told me about a wonderful event held at his church. “We had a singing group the other day that performed without instruments,” he said. “A cappella?” I asked. He shrugged. “I don’t remember the name of the group.” —Wade Hampton

I had a chance encounter with a pastor who told me about a wonderful event held at his church. “We had a singing group the other day that performed without...

Back to Reality

Tanned, relaxed, and unshaven, I landed at the Denver airport after returning from my bucolic Caribbean vacation. As the customs agent handed my passport back to me, she cheerily welcomed me home by declaring, “Back to reality for you!” —Bruce Neal

Tanned, relaxed, and unshaven, I landed at the Denver airport after returning from my bucolic Caribbean vacation. As the customs agent handed my passport back to me, she cheerily welcomed...

Birthdays to Grow

I asked the kids in my nursery school class what they needed in order to grow up nice and strong. One little girl answered, “Birthdays!” —Abigail George

Get a Better Face

If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face. ” —Maria Zagorski

If I ever voiced disapproval of a photo of myself, my mother always had a ready reply: “Want a better picture? Get a better face.” —Maria Zagorski

Irritated Scalp

Suffering from an unsightly scaly rash, my friend Denise made an appointment with a dermatologist who happened to be very attractive. After a full examination, the doctor cocked his head and asked, “Denise, did you get your hair done?” “Why, yes. Thank you for noticing,” said Denise, flattered. “I thought so,” the doctor replied. “Because your scalp looks red and irritated.” —Sandy Hagglund

Suffering from an unsightly scaly rash, my friend Denise made an appointment with a dermatologist who happened to be very attractive. After a full examination, the doctor cocked his head...

Straw Up Your Nose

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my five-year-old granddaughter threw in her two cents. “I can see why it would be dangerous to drink and drive,” she said. “The straw could go up your nose.” —Marlene L. Banwart

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my five-year-old granddaughter threw in her two cents. “I can see why it would be dangerous to...

Only Sign We Have

I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: “30-Minute Delay.” “What happened?” I asked. “The train went off the rails,” he said. “How long will that take to fix?” “Quite a few hours.” “So why put up a sign saying it would take 30 minutes?” “It’s the only sign we have.” —James Joy

I was waiting at a small train station when a man put up a sign regarding my train: “30-Minute Delay.” “What happened?” I asked. “The train went off the rails,”...

Full Time Soon

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way out and asked, “What are your hours?” Her reply: “Right now, six to nine because I’m in school. But next month it will be full-time.” —Darlene Query

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way...

Prayers Before Bed

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time. Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until morning. —J.C.

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter...

Grow Up to Be a Mother

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll be a mother. —Mary Lahl

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll...

Change the Sign

Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. —K.H.

Only Thing in My Closet

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the office, my coworker replied, “I was out of clean clothes and didn’t feel like doing laundry.” —Lauren Emily on Facebook, via buzzfeed.com

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the. ..

In His Terms

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found on the sidewalk the other day?” she asked. As the truth sank in, Ian grew alarmed: “Lucky fell out of a tree?” —Laurie Navin

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found...

Teeth Impression

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said, “Let’s get an impression—” “It’s more observational humor, actually,” I interrupted. “I don’t do impressions.” The dentist continued, “—of your teeth.”

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said,...

Mom’s Side of the Car

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his...

Gone Soon

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She...

Last Time For Everything

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back, “There’s a last time for everything too.”

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,...

I’ll Take Something Else

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. “But don’t worry,” I said with a grin. “I’m leaving my son for collateral.” She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. “What else you got?”

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress...

Started With an S

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it began with an s.” “Was it Caesar’s?”

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it...

She Looks Like You

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look just like someone I know named Mary.” “Well, I hope she’s young and skinny.” “No,” he said, settling into his chair. “She looks like you.”

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look...

Bathroom Break

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans, she yelled, “I did it, Mom! I pooped in the toilet! I pooped on the floor too! But I’ll clean it! Oh, I stepped in it!” There was an uncomfortable silence as I realized the doctor had heard every word. “Ha ha,” I laughed nervously. “Do you have kids?” “No,” he said, “and I never will.”

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,...

None Are Sharp

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting the CEO’s office. When I described it to a coworker as “I’m a jack of all trades, master of none,” I was amused, yet slightly offended, when she offered a less than complimentary interpretation from her native Cantonese: “Equipped with knives all over, yet none are very sharp. ”

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting...

Forgot Mom’s Name

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated, he left. A few minutes later, I passed him outside the office on the phone.“Hey, Dad,” he said. “What’s Mom’s first name?”

At the doctor’s office, a 20-something man was trying to make an appointment for a Mrs. Brown. Try as he might, he just could not remember her first name. Frustrated,...

It’s an Uncle!

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went into labor, I happened to drive by her house, wondering what she’d had. A sign on the front porch gave me my answer: “It’s an Uncle!”

A friend was due to give birth around the same time that her oldest daughter was due to give birth to her first baby. On the morning my friend went...

George Washington the Inventor

Our eight-year-old daughter: “Are you saying that George Washington didn’t invent the toilet?”

The Cat’s Taxes

Turning to me with some urgency, my sleeping husband stated, “I have to do the cat’s taxes!”

No Suggestions from the Horse

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions or answers for the project.”

My husband was tossing and turning in bed, so I asked whether he was all right. He replied, “Yes, I talked with the horse, and he didn’t have any suggestions...

Sheet for Dinner

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for dessert?”

As a kid, I was at a sleepover, and I watched my friend stuff the bedsheet into her mouth, pull it out, and say, “That was good, Mom; what’s for. ..

Personal Mistake

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was hard to argue with: “If it’s not personal, then why do they use your name?”

Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was...

Simple Questions

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle tone.” Later, I added, “another colleague and I designed a system to allow merchants to print coupons at the cash register.” Thinking that all this technical talk was confusing, I asked if there were any questions. There was one: “What’s a colleague?”

I was describing my job as an engineer to some middle schoolers when I mentioned that “one of my colleagues and I designed a medical instrument for measuring human muscle. ..

Toilet Paper Appreciation

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to think of you every time I use this paper.”

A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to...

One Brick

Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide. “Each year, the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said. “So what’s the answer?” my friend asked. The guide replied, “One.”

Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide. “Each year, the upperclassmen ask the...

Fight to Clean

I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers had dropped during the night. Years later, as an adult, I found out that my father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning. It cost him only a dollar a day to have us fight to be the first one to clean the bar.

I grew up above my father’s tavern. When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change...

Garage Dog

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for sale. Eventually, he found something that interested him. “Excuse me,” he said. “How much for the dog?”

I held a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for...

Version of Mary

My 11-year-old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: “Have you heard of the version Mary?”

No Oysters For Me

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked up an oyster, examined it, and commented, “They remind me of infected tonsils.”And that’s the story of how he ended up eating the entire plate of oysters himself.

One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked...

Toyota Disease

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We have a Toyota.”

My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including if she had an STD. “No,” said the teen. “We...

Turn at the Cornfield

Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson. His wife could commiserate. “I know what you mean,” she said. “I never know at which cornfield to turn when we come to visit you.”

Living in rural Minnesota, I find driving through crowded Minneapolis difficult. “I have trouble figuring out when to turn and what lane to be in,” I complained to my grandson....

18 Months Old

My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half. ”

“But Aunt Marie," I said, “18 months and a year and a half are the same.”

She shrugged. “What do I know? I never had kids.”

My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old. “Oh,” she said. “I thought she was a year and a half.” “But Aunt Marie,”...

Direct Sun

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged. “I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned....

I Wanted to Flush

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it down the toilet. I told him when he got home, and he was inconsolable. Nothing I said helped. After a while, I asked, “Why are you crying so much?”Arching his back, he shouted, “I wanted to flush!”

My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it...

Lost in Translation

I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said, “Am I keeping you from something?”

I replied, “I have to leave for tai chi.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding intrigued. “What country is that in?”

—Linda Platt

I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said,...

In the Mirror

Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says. His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”

Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says. His friend...

Wrong Sauce

After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that the Italian word for “you’re welcome” was the same as the name of a spaghetti sauce. So I confidently replied “Ragú!” and walked out of the store. A few blocks later, it hit me: I had the wrong spaghetti sauce. “You’re welcome” is prego.

After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that...

Who is It?

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family. One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family. One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to...

Level Pause

After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite of being a newbie, I’d already managed to get to level 11. That’s when my youngest son pointed out that the “11” I was seeing on the screen was actually the game’s pause button.

After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite...

Disappointing Movie

My mother and I suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard a man complain to his wife, “We left the dog home alone for that?”

My mother and I suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard...

New Job Brain

The new busboy was  just 16, and because  it was his first job, we were all impressed  with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why we were surprised the next day when he didn’t show up for his shift. Then, an hour late, he came running in, red-faced and breathless. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said.  “I forgot I had a job.”

The new busboy was just 16, and because it was his first job, we were all impressed with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why...

Noisy Neighbors

Apartment life often means little privacy.  I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting ready for work. I finally exploded  at the kitten: “You’d  better sit down; you’re getting on my nerves!” A second later, a voice from upstairs  responded, “OK!”

Apartment life often means little privacy. I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting...

Did you eat him?

My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach. “Yes,” she said. “How did he get there?” he asked. “I’ll tell you when you’re a little older.” “Just tell me this,” he said, concerned. “Did you eat him?”

My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach. “Yes,” she said. “How did he get there?” he asked. “I’ll tell you when...

It’s Not Easy Being Green

My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter paint, green glitter paint. He said he didn’t like green, not at all. I asked why. He said, "Well, yucky, nasty garbage is green.....and then there’s broccoli.”

My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter...

Potty Training in the Wild

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing his hands and flushing the toilet. The only toilets in our camping area were outhouses, which he had not used before. After using the outhouse, he stepped out the door and yelled to me, "Hey mom, where is the flusher??"

When my son was four-years-old, we went camping in a primitive area with a tent. Prior to our camping trip, I had been explaining to him the importance of washing. ..

Defender of the Innocent

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn't in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said in case bad people broke in the house so he would fight them. I told him it wasn't his job to protect us, and he said, "But I'm almost 10." Remember, he was SIX!

I checked on my six-year-old son one morning, and he wasn’t in his bed. I found him sleeping on the sofa. When I asked why he slept there, he said...

Uncle Pony

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle. I explained to him that it's called riding bareback. When I returned him to his parents, they asked him how he enjoyed his pony ride. He excitedly told them that he saw grownups riding naked!

When my nephew, Victor, was five, I took him to a local stable for a pony ride. He was very impressed that the stable hands were riding without a saddle. ...

Hockey and Hometowns

I took my eight-year-old niece to a Chicago Blackhawks hockey game against the Montreal Canadians. She asked, "Are the Canadians from Canada?"

Siblings in the Orchard

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the orchard. There was a metal glider on the path in the orchard. My friends and I decided to sit on the glider, and talk as teenage girls will do. We sat on that metal glider with our feet in the seat for a good little while, but when we got up, we found a shocking surprise. My brothers had run a wire from the electric fence to the metal glider, and when our feet touched the ground, we got a shock. Needless to say that my brothers find this funny even after 45 years. You have to love brothers.

When I was a little girl, we always had a calf that was in an electric fence. One day I had some friends over, and we were walking in the...

Cashier Phrases

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open the register. "Open my register," "Please let me start," and "Give me the go-ahead," were some of the terms used by cashiers. One day, a newly appointed bright-looking girl came to the register and said loudly, "Turn me on!"

As a head cashier in a departmental store, I had to open and close the cash registers of the cashiers. Whenever a cashier started work, I was paged to open...

Funny Short Stories to Tell Your Friends

Shallow Sunday School

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said to the teacher, "Boy Mrs. Dennis, you sure are a good hooker."

While my granddaughters Sunday School class was swimming in my pool, the teacher was putting up the rope to divide the shallow end from the deep end. My granddaughter said...

Parenting in Court

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

My friend is a court reporter, and recently she heard this: ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which....

First Impression

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her.

I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him, “This is Grandma’s girl. ” Alex replied, “You are not her grandma; she doesn’t even know you.”

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her. I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him,...

Hop and Bothered

I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.

In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct  snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?” After the startled and likely embarrassed bunnies scuttled away, the groundhog stayed in the same position for a few moments before waddling off, still in a huff. I’ll never forget that woodchuck’s shocked face!

I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one. ..

Creative Reading

My 21/2-year-old grandson,  Sam, brought a coloring book  to me and said, “Read it.”

I proceeded to make up words to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said, “I don’t think I’ve heard that story before.”

My 21/2-year-old grandson, Sam, brought a coloring book to me and said, “Read it.” I proceeded to make upwords to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said,...

My Baking Blunder

A group of our friends from church were planning a picnic, and it sounded like fun.

The only problem was that times had been a bit tight for me, as I was a single mother with four children. What did  I have that we could contribute to the picnic? Then a thought struck. I could make a cherry pie! A friend had given me a quart of canned cherries that would make a very nice pie filling. So I prepared the crust, thickened the cherries, and put the pie together. When it came out of the oven, it looked so good and the aroma was wonderful. At the picnic, my fiance, Stu, was the first to take a bite of my pie. I saw a puzzled look go across his face. Then he began to spit out cherry pits. It had not occurred to me someone would can cherries without pitting them first. How embarrassing! Well, he married me anyway. And the cherry pie has been an inside joke for the past 48 years.

A group of our friends from church were planning a picnic, and it sounded like fun. The only problem was that times had been a bit tight for me, as...

Where Milk Comes From

When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how  do the cows sit on those little bottles?”

Sunday Best

On Easter one year, I got to see my 5-year-old granddaughter, Julia. I wore my best suit for  the holiday.

Julia said, “Grandpa, you look so handsome today. Did you take a shower?”

On Easter one year, I got to see my 5-year-old granddaughter, Julia. I wore my best suit for the holiday. Julia said, “Grandpa, you look so handsome today. Did you...

Saving Grace

My niece made some food for another family at church. She prayed over it, asking the kids  if they’d like to add anything. Her 3-year-old daughter, Boston, said, “Thank you, God, that we didn’t give them all of our food.”

My niece made some food for another family at church. She prayed over it, asking the kids if they’d like to add anything. Her 3-year-old daughter, Boston, said, “Thank you,...

Panicked Preacher

In the late ’50s I was working construction, leveling the corner of a house that we had jacked about 4 inches above the ground. One of the jacks slipped and the house came down with a loud bang.

The next thing we knew,  the owner, who was a minister, ran out and looked up at the  sky. “I thought the Lord was coming!” he told us. We all had a good laugh.

In the late ’50s I was working construction, leveling the corner of a house that we had jacked about 4 inches above the ground. One of the jacks slipped and...

Practice Makes Perfect

A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”

“Yes,” the grandpa replied. “Did he make you, too?” “Yes.” “Well,” the girl said, looking  at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”

A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?” “Yes,” the grandpa replied. “Did he make you, too?” “Yes.” “Well,” the girl said, looking...

Gone Fishing

My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad. Ted asked if she was going to use worms. “No,” she said. “I’m going to use a fishing pole.”

My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad. Ted asked if she was going to use worms. “No,” she said....

Following Directions

A young man was planting some flower seeds on a sweltering day, sweating from the hot sun.

His neighbor said, “You need to wait until the sun goes down, or plant in the morning when it is coolest.” The man said, “I can’t do that. It says on the package, ‘Plant in full sun!’ ”

A young man was planting some flower seeds on a sweltering day, sweating from the hot sun. His neighbor said, “You need to wait until the sun goes down, or...

Chicken Farmer’s Folly

My daughter Pam sent me  this message: “Things never  to do list. Go grocery shopping and forget you put eggs in your hoodie pocket after collecting them from the chickens, then lean against the meat counter.  It makes a mess!”

My daughter Pam sent me this message: “Things never to do list. Go grocery shopping and forget you put eggs in your hoodie pocket after collecting them from the chickens,...

My Undersized Load

Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a few things because the property we bought was cleared cow pasture and, besides a huge pecan tree, had no other trees on it.

So I ordered blueberry and blackberry bushes and apple, peach and pear trees. When it came time to pick up the order, my friend called to ask if I could pick hers up, too. I told her we’d better take two trucks. When I got to the extension office I was shocked to find the pickup area empty except for some little bundles of twigs tied with string. I asked where my order was and the attendant led me to one of those bundles. They were bare root cuttings, which take up very little space.  I could lift mine in one hand. I mentioned to the attendant that I felt silly bringing a truck to pick up the order. It was then that I noticed a man behind me. He ruefully stated, “Don’t feel bad; I brought a trailer.”

Shortly after we moved to rural South Carolina, we found out Clemson Ag Extension was selling all sorts of berry and fruit trees at great rates. We needed quite a...

Prayer Request

After dinner one night, I asked my son Jimmy to fetch a broom from the back porch so I could sweep the floor. Complaining,  he said, “But it’s dark out there. I’m afraid.”

I said to him, “It’s OK, God is with you.” Slowly Jimmy opened the porch door and said, “God, if you’re out there, would you hand me the broom?”

After dinner one night, I asked my son Jimmy to fetch a broom from the back porch so I could sweep the floor. Complaining, he said, “But it’s dark out...

Planting Wisdom

When weeding your garden, there’s an easy way to tell the difference between a weed and a vegetable or flower. Pull on it, and if it doesn’t come up, it’s a weed. But if it comes out easily, it’s not.

When weeding your garden, there’s an easy way to tell the difference between a weed and a vegetable or flower. Pull on it, and if it doesn’t come up, it’s...

Tater-Totter

While passing by a park, my son Zach  shouted, “Look, Mom! A tater-totter!”

Front of the Line

I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.

I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?” I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.

I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning. I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t...

An Uphill Battle

While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”

He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”

While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.” He thought about this and then, with...

Adventures in Sewing

My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”

My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go. ..

How They Met

Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.

Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re...

The Answer to Her Prayers

When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?”

“Yes, he does,” I replied. Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?” Again, I replied yes. Then Keilei lifted her arms and yelled, “Thank you, Jesus! Grandma’s getting me a dog!”

When my granddaughter Keilei was 8, she asked me, “Grandma, does God answer prayers?” “Yes, he does,” I replied. Then she asked, “Will he give you whatever you ask for?”...

Furry Foolery

My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy.

One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found that? But I rewarded her with a treat and put the fur in the trash. Later, she traded a second clump of fur for a treat. When she brought me another one,  I realized it looked familiar. Sure enough, there was no fur in the trash. Shadow was trading the same tuft for treats. She knew she was busted and innocently put her head on her paws and fell asleep.

My dog, Shadow, is smart as a whip, but she sheds like crazy. One day Shadow brought me a tuft of her black fur. I thought, I wonder where she found...

Nana Has a lot of Bibles

My nephew asked, “Why does Nana have so many Bibles?” I said, “She’s studying for finals.”

A Hairy Situation

Joe always went to his local barber for a monthly shave and haircut. But one day the barber was ill. So the barber’s wife, Grace, took over. Joe noticed over subsequent weeks that his hair was not growing. The barber, an evangelical Christian, explained the mystery. “When you’re shaved by Grace,” he said, “you’re once shaved, always shaved.”

Joe always went to his local barber for a monthly shave and haircut. But one day the barber was ill. So the barber’s wife, Grace, took over. Joe noticed over...

Get This Party Started

The fourth birthday of my 3-year-old daughter, Amanda, was approaching. I reminded her that the day was on its way. After a couple of weeks, Amanda became exasperated, stomped her foot and with her hands on her hips asked, “Well, is it coming in the front door or the back door?”

The fourth birthday of my 3-year-old daughter, Amanda, was approaching. I reminded her that the day was on its way. After a couple of weeks, Amanda became exasperated, stomped her...

Take the Floor

One day, my 4-year-old grandson, Maverick, was playing on the floor and asked me to come sit and play with him. I told him to give me a minute because I had something on my mind and was thinking. He said, “Well, Nana, just bring your thoughts to the floor with me and play!”

One day, my 4-year-old grandson, Maverick, was playing on the floor and asked me to come sit and play with him. I told him to give me a minute because...

Around the World

My 2-year-old niece, Sienna, lives in Asia. While her family was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Florida, she asked her mother if she could play with Play-doh. Her mother said the Play-doh was back at their house. Sienna looked puzzled and replied, “But where did the house go?”

My 2-year-old niece, Sienna, lives in Asia. While her family was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Florida, she asked her mother if she could play with Play-doh. Her mother said...

Old Trick, New Dog

In my youth, I delivered the Coeur d’Alene Press in a rural area. Back in the ’50s, there were no leash laws in Idaho, and many dogs were on the loose along my paper route. When they threatened me, I reached down and pretended to pick up a rock. I can’t recall ever having to throw one—the dogs would just run away. Later in life, my job took me to Tampa, Florida. My wife and I, along with our faithful Lab, Tonga, would take walks in our neighborhood. One morning, a very aggressive dog started bothering us. I tried my old pretending trick, but the dog did not move. I realized it was not afraid because there are no rocks in Florida, just sand!

In my youth, I delivered the Coeur d’Alene Press in a rural area. Back in the ’50s, there were no leash laws in Idaho, and many dogs were on the...

Grandpa’s Helper

My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I asked him what it was used for. He said, “It’s to catch cows and scoot them off the tracks so Grandpa doesn’t have to chase them away. ”

My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I...

Princess Calves

I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted out, “Call it good!” I explained to Halle this meant there was a baby in the cow’s tummy. She replied, “I don’t want to call the baby Good; I want to call it Queen Elsa.”

I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted...

Fresh From the Farm

The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her fry some up for breakfast and put them on his plate. He looked at me and said in a serious tone, “Mama, these eggs came from chickens!”

The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her...

Birthday Surprise

My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth. “You were expected on Aug. 19,” she said, “but arrived on Aug. 11.” Matthew thought for a moment and then said, “Oh! I’m so lucky I was born on my birthday!”

My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth. “You were...

Rejected Recipe

We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That has trash in it!”

We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That...

Mechanical Kid

When my grandson, Jimmy, was 4 or 5, we asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “I want to be a machine,” he said without hesitation. When we asked him why, he explained, “Well, you can replace the parts in a machine when they wear out.”

When my grandson, Jimmy, was 4 or 5, we asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “I want to be a machine,” he said without hesitation....

Galaxy Fixer-Upper

One night when my son Patrick was 2 years old, he looked up at a half moon and said, “Moon broken.” The next time there was a full moon in the sky, he looked up and said, “Moon fixed now.”

One night when my son Patrick was 2 years old, he looked up at a half moon and said, “Moon broken.” The next time there was a full moon in...

Well-Done Woes

Several years ago, our grandson Andrew slept at our house overnight. For breakfast I made pancakes, and I gave him one that was browner than the others. He told me he didn’t want that one because it was too ripe.

Several years ago, our grandson Andrew slept at our house overnight. For breakfast I made pancakes, and I gave him one that was browner than the others. He told me...

Stay-at-Home Kid

One day when my son David was 5 years old, he informed me that he no longer wanted to go to day care because the other kids were all babies. He said he was a big boy and could stay home alone while I worked. So I asked him, “Who will make your lunch? You can’t reach the stove.”

He quickly replied, “I’ll make a salad.”

One day when my son David was 5 years old, he informed me that he no longer wanted to go to day care because the other kids were all babies....

Growing Up Gradually

My great-granddaughter Brylee was playing horse with her pappy one night. As she was sitting on his back, he asked her how old she was. Brylee said, “Pappy, you know I’m 3.”

“When will you be 4?” he asked. “When I get through being 3,” she explained.

My great-granddaughter Brylee was playing horse with her pappy one night. As she was sitting on his back, he asked her how old she was. Brylee said, “Pappy, you know...

Just Roll With It

When my daughter Mandy was 31/2, we went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. Mandy was trying to talk to a wheelchair-bound resident but was getting little response from her. So she decided to end the conversation by looking down at the wheelchair and exclaiming, “Nice wheels!”

When my daughter Mandy was 31/2, we went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. Mandy was trying to talk to a wheelchair-bound resident but was getting little response...

Which Little Piggy?

Recently my wife and I were watching our grandsons, ages 3 and 4. The older boy, Owen, fell while he was playing and said, “I hurt my toe.” When I asked him which toe, he hesitated for a few seconds before replying, “the one that goes to market. ”

Recently my wife and I were watching our grandsons, ages 3 and 4. The older boy, Owen, fell while he was playing and said, “I hurt my toe.” When I...

The Backboard Blues

I was teaching my 3-year-old granddaughter, Taylor, how to shoot baskets on her child-sized basketball hoop. After missing three shots in a row, she gave me the ball and said, “Grandma, this thing doesn’t work!”

I was teaching my 3-year-old granddaughter, Taylor, how to shoot baskets on her child-sized basketball hoop. After missing three shots in a row, she gave me the ball and said,...

Grandma Knows Best

When our son was young, his grandma joked about the Sandman and how he put kids to sleep by sprinkling “sleepy sand” in their eyes. Later that day I found Chico napping with his head in a cardboard box. When I asked him why, he said he wasn’t going to let anyone put sand in his eyes. I couldn’t convince him it was a fairy tale, because Grandma wouldn’t lie!

When our son was young, his grandma joked about the Sandman and how he put kids to sleep by sprinkling “sleepy sand” in their eyes. Later that day I found...

Musical Mayhem

When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”

When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we...

Dance Lesson

Some time ago, my daughter Nori was writing an essay she called, “It Takes Two to Tangle.” I tried explaining to her that the saying is actually about the tango, a very intricate dance. But I guess it is true that the two dancers may tangle if they don’t watch their steps.

Some time ago, my daughter Nori was writing an essay she called, “It Takes Two to Tangle.” I tried explaining to her that the saying is actually about the tango,...

A Fishing Fiasco

My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing Ryan how to throw the line in the water to catch a fish. Then he said, “OK, son, throw it in.” Ryan threw the entire pole into the water.

My son Ryan was 2 years old when his daddy took him out to the little trout pond we built in our backyard. His dad spent a few minutes showing...

Fence Sitting

Living on a farm all his life, my dad was used to climbing over fences. The quickest way was to place both hands on the top rail and bound over it. He learned to always look before leaping when, one day, a five-foot snake, sunning itself along the top rail, rose up to meet him as he used his climbing method!

Living on a farm all his life, my dad was used to climbing over fences. The quickest way was to place both hands on the top rail and bound over...

Backseat Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed and lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb, stopping inches from a large window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the driver quietly said, “Please don’t do that! You scared the daylights out of me.” The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize a tap on the shoulder could startle someone so much—to which the driver replied, “It’s really not your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving  a hearse for 25 years.”

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed and lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove...

A Ribbiting Story

When I was teaching kindergarten and had a cold, I would often get laryngitis with it. One day a student asked me, “Do you have a frog in your nose?”

Farm Language

Marrying into an established farm family has provided quite the education. I anticipated the long hours. I anticipated the hard work. I even anticipated the laundry room piled with mountains of farm clothes that, based on the stench, I didn’t know if I could salvage. What caught me completely off guard was how to speak the language.

Take, for example, field names. If I had a degree in agriculture, it still wouldn’t help me figure out what field is what. It took years not to get sweaty palms every time I needed to deliver parts, lunch or coffee to a field! In Green House field, it turns out the green house was painted blue decades ago. And it’s not even close to the local flower nursery, much to my surprise—and borne out by my excess  mileage. Big Oak field hasn’t had an oak since who knows when, but it’s still remembered by it! “Must have been some oak tree,” I’ve mumbled under my breath. One day I was walking the dog down our country road and stopped to shoot the breeze with one of the farmers I hadn’t met before. But when I said “Hello, Mr. Strippy,” I soon found out his nickname has nothing to do with his given name, but everything to do with planting crops in strips. Who knew?

Marrying into an established farm family has provided quite the education. I anticipated the long hours. I anticipated the hard work. I even anticipated the laundry room piled with mountains...

My Hurry-up Hairdo

Getting two young children and myself dressed and ready for church was challenging. As we rushed out the door, I knew it was going to be a close call getting there on time. The usher greeted me and quickly guided me toward the front row. Once seated, I immediately felt like I was being watched.

After what felt like eternity but was only a few minutes, a lady tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Do you realize you have curlers in your hair?” I had rushed out so fast I forgot about the curlers. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed I felt like crawling under the seat. Now I check the back of my head before leaving home, and  I sit in the back of the church.

Getting two young children and myself dressed and ready for church was challenging. As we rushed out the door, I knew it was going to be a close call getting...

Critter Commotion

As I was driving the other day, I saw a sign on a business that read “Whistlepig Alley Antiques.” It reminded me of an event that happened many years ago when I was living in the community of Granny Squirrel, near Andrews, North Carolina.

While watching TV one day,  I heard strange sounds. I tried to not overreact, but in my mind I thought it could be ghosts, or that maybe I was hearing things.  The noise was the craziest high-pitched whistling sound. That went on for a week; then one day my landlord told me three groundhogs had crawled under the home. Now I know why Appalachian folks call them whistle pigs. Once you hear groundhogs "speaking," you will never forget it.

As I was driving the other day, I saw a sign on a business that read “Whistlepig Alley Antiques.” It reminded me of an event that happened many years ago...

Coming Soon

Mom and Dad told Julia, our granddaughter, that she was going to have a baby sister or brother. “It’s a secret and we don’t tell secrets,” they said.

In Sunday school class, Julia’s teacher asked if anyone had a prayer request. Julia said, “I don’t tell secrets, but it’s going to be born next summer.”

Mom and Dad told Julia, our granddaughter, that she was going to have a baby sister or brother. “It’s a secret and we don’t tell secrets,” they said. In Sunday...

One Day at a Time

While our great-granddaughters were getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve, Molly had a loose tooth that she wanted to pull.

Addison said, “Don’t you dare pull that tooth out tonight because the Tooth Fairy wants to be with her family.” Molly waited until Christmas to pull her tooth.

While our great-granddaughters were getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve, Molly had a loose tooth that she wanted to pull. Addison said, “Don’t you dare pull that tooth out...

Not So Hot Lunch

My grandson picked up his son, Graham, after work and asked him what he had for lunch.

Graham said, “Cold.” Turns out, they had chili.

My grandson picked up his son, Graham, after work and asked him what he had for lunch.

Graham said, “Cold.” Turns out, they had chili.

Circus Comes to Church

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.” One Sunday, we attended a church out of town that was more formal. What our church called bread and juice, this one referred to as elements, a word William didn’t understand. As Communion began, the pastor said, “If the deacons will come forward, the elements will pass among us.” William was suddenly excited and I didn’t know why. Then he leaned toward me, whispering something that caused me to burst out laughing. With all eyes on us, I took him by the hand and we made a hasty exit. All the way to the car, he protested. “Mom, we’re going to miss the circus. The pastor said the elephants were going to pass among us!”

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.” One Sunday, we attended a church...

Good Grooming

Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby. Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?” He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”

Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had...

Catch Me If You Can

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard. I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.” I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?” He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As...

Pack a Lunch

While walking along a trail,  my 7-year-old grandson, Ryan, commented, “There’s a fork in the road back there.”

“Really?” I asked, imagining someone’s missing silverware. But then a thought occurred to me. “Oh, was it a plastic one?” Laughing hysterically, Ryan said, “No, Grandma, it’s where the road splits in two!”

While walking along a trail, my 7-year-old grandson, Ryan, commented, “There’s a fork in the road back there.” “Really?” I asked, imagining someone’s missing silverware. But then a thought occurred...

A Crunchy Canine?

My 7-year-old, Ethan, was excited about his turn for show-and-tell coming up. He asked if he could bring our dog. Ethan has a classmate who has severe allergies to nuts, and I wanted to be sure his friend wasn’t affected by nonfood allergies. “Is your classmate allergic to dogs?” I asked. Ethan replied, “I don’t know. Do dogs have nuts in them?”

My 7-year-old, Ethan, was excited about his turn for show-and-tell coming up. He asked if he could bring our dog. Ethan has a classmate who has severe allergies to nuts,...

Playground Rules

Last year my youngest granddaughter, Samantha Grace, started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa, I learned the slide rule today.” I was happy to hear that she was learning something new and really pleased it was about math. I asked her to explain it, and she said, “Only one kid on the slide at a time.”

So much for math!

Last year my youngest granddaughter, Samantha Grace, started kindergarten. After a few days, she came home and said, “Grandpa, I learned the slide rule today.” I was happy to hear...

Talk About Drained

After a long Thanksgiving Day of eating and playing, my 3-year-old granddaughter asked her mother to carry her. When I asked if her legs were broken, Aislin said, “Yes, they’re out of batteries.”

After a long Thanksgiving Day of eating and playing, my 3-year-old granddaughter asked her mother to carry her. When I asked if her legs were broken, Aislin said, “Yes, they’re...

Don’t Squish the Squash!

One fall day my daughter, Mia, and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping, she said, “Watch out for the butternut squash.” My 4-year-old grandson, Sawyer, asked, “Better not squash what?”

One fall day my daughter, Mia, and her boys were walking in the garden so she could show them the autumn harvest. Making sure they looked where they were stepping,...

A Thorny Subject

Our 8-year-old granddaughter Raven, a city girl, asked to help me cook. “Get some potatoes out of that red basket,” I said. The potatoes were starting to sprout but were still usable. She hurried over to the basket but didn’t come back. I looked that way and saw that she was just standing there. “Raven, are you going to get those potatoes?” I asked.

Looking a bit bewildered, she replied, “Grandma, did you know your potatoes have thorns?”

Our 8-year-old granddaughter Raven, a city girl, asked to help me cook. “Get some potatoes out of that red basket,” I said. The potatoes were starting to sprout but were still. ..

Quill Question

A grandpa told his grandson that ballpoint pens hadn’t yet been invented when he was a boy. “Was that back when they used feathers?” the child asked.

Agriculture Class

My sister is a teacher in our rural district. During afternoon class, she had a flyswatter hanging out of her back pocket. One of her students said “she looked like she was fixin’ to show a hog”!

My sister is a teacher in our rural district. During afternoon class, she had a flyswatter hanging out of her back pocket. One of her students said “she looked like...

Learning About Letters

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

Not for Sale

My wife noticed an interesting home advertised in the local paper and decided to visit the open house. Upon arrival she thought it strange that there was no “for sale” sign, but the front door was unlocked, so she walked in. A man was sleeping on the living room couch, and a woman stepped around the corner with a dishtowel in her hands. The man awoke and the three of them stared at each other with surprise. My wife, realizing her mistake, blurted out, “I guess this isn’t the open house,” and retreated to her car as the man and woman watched her through a window. Looking over her notes, she realized she was on 12th Place instead of 12th Street. Embarrassed and rattled, she drove home without viewing the open house.

My wife noticed an interesting home advertised in the local paper and decided to visit the open house. Upon arrival she thought it strange that there was no “for sale” sign,. ..

Caller ID

A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for...

Golden Years

At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so you would be around longer.”

At his birthday party, my grandson said, “I love you,” and I replied, “I love you, too.” Then he said, “I wish you were 5 years old like me so...

Another Man’s Treasure

Asked by the teacher to give the definition of a yard sale, my niece Melissa, then 14, said, “It’s stuff you sell to neighbors and friends because they don’t have enough junk of their own. ”

Asked by the teacher to give the definition of a yard sale, my niece Melissa, then 14, said, “It’s stuff you sell to neighbors and friends because they don’t have...

Breakfast Buffet

When we saw a mare nursing her colt, my daughter Jennifer asked me what the horse was doing. I explained that the mare was giving the colt some milk. After thinking for a moment, Jennifer said, “What does she do if he wants juice?”

When we saw a mare nursing her colt, my daughter Jennifer asked me what the horse was doing. I explained that the mare was giving the colt some milk. After...

Jokes from nekdo.ru - fresh and funny jokes, jokes, jokes

today 05:38 1

national

Did you know that Mark Twain has a story about how a passport sent to Russia by mail got lost on the way?
So the curse of Russian mail is familiar even to American classmates.

today 05:38 1

others

A friend and I went to a small cafe of a fast food chain to quench our thirst.
- Two lemonades please.
- There are natural and citrus. What do you want?
We thought for a long time what natural but not citrus and citrus but not natural lemonade is made of.

today 05:38 1

others

In today's fast-paced industry, a crutch now is better than beautiful code 10 years from now. And the Bicycle is already the result of seeing other people's crutches and the desire to arrange them in your own way.

today 05:34 1

other

At first they allowed to collect deadwood, now you can not install the sign "THORNS" on the windshield. The Russians have not yet realized the full extent of their freedom and permissiveness!

today 05:27 1

others

The anisotropy of the universe is clearly manifested in the example of the flow of money - money moves towards you with a certain resistance, and away from you - there is practically no resistance!

today 05:27 1

girls

- You know, only Vasya managed to wake up the woman in me!
- Of course - with such and such an alarm clock!

today 05:27 2

others

I seem to have found the only plus in this whole situation. Banks stopped calling with loan offers.

today 05:27 3

short other

I put aside so much for a rainy day that I was looking forward to it.

today 04:49 2

short others

- I'll switch off for 5 minutes, wipe the keyboard, otherwise it sticks to my fingers.

today 04:39 1

short vulgar

- You can't sexualize food, it's impossible.
- Polymon dumpling, bro.

today 03:58 1

others

The day passed with benefit - for half an hour I consulted a consultant in the store. They waved business cards - parted satisfied.

today 03:43 3

short other

- I mourned my taxes today.
- Maybe paid?
- No.

today 03:12 3

other

A bummer is when you wake up from a delightful tickle on the skin with the thought of caressing your husband. And it turns out that it's a spider crawling over you.

today 03:10 3

national

At one time, the Chukchi people had a popular heroic legend about heroes who went to give ukuleles to the Russian Tsar. According to legend, the bogatyrs not only got to the tent of the Russian Tsar and burned him, but also stole all his deer.

today 02:19 3

others

Read receipt? The office manager came up with a guaranteed way: she sends a letter to the headmistress until she yells at her on the phone.

today 02:19 4

children, husband and wife

A friend had a daughter, my wife asks him:
- How is it? Are you happy?
He answers:
- Well, yes. And where to go?

today 02:19 2

others

Modern news agency websites resemble adult websites from 90's. There is almost no content, only cross links.

today 02:19 2

others

My sister told me how she decided to talk to her mother-in-law about culture and music.
- I like Mozart...
Mother-in-law:
- Which Salieri is this?
The sister realized that evening that this topic should no longer be touched upon.

today 01:28 6

others

- Eh, if only they could invent a machine that would press a button - and there would be no problem.
- "Kalashnikov assault rifle", or what?

today 01:23 4

short other

- Why does your yogi scream like that?
- This is a trainee.

today 01:23 5

girls

If you gave a woman your hand and heart, then what's the point of being so nervous about some wallet?

today 01:23 3

others

I just can't find a mate. The one that seems to fit - with a big hole. Am I a sock?

today 01:23 6

other

If there are olympiads in mathematics, then why are there no para-olympiads in mathematics? Humanitarians would participate in it, and everyone would admire their courage.

today 00:32 4

others

In my aquarium the water is at the bottom. Some algae have already risen from this puddle and have begun to grow in the fresh air. Now I'm waiting for the legs of the fish to grow.

today 00:09 3

short other

I wonder where sinful masochists end up after death?

yesterday 22:18 7

short cars

But dad also warned - beware of the car ...

yesterday 21:24 6

short husband and wife

- Dear, we will soon have ... Well, well, don't be afraid: lover!

yesterday 19:58 7

sports

The management of the sports channel banned the burry TV journalist from commenting on rowing competitions.

yesterday 16:51 10

philosophy

- Since childhood, I dreamed of visiting cities with double melodious names: Baden-Baden, Monte Carlo, Buenos Aires. And so I grew up, and they sent me to Taldy-Kurgan...

yesterday 16:47 10

national work

Yeltsin came to America to buy a batch of disposable syringes. A businessman comes up to him and asks:
- Would you like to buy a batch of condoms at the same time, dear Boris Nikolayevich?
- No thanks, we already have such a batch.

Found a typo? Ctrl+Enter

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- Vovochka, let's quickly diary here. I'll stake you and let dad put a belt on you!
- My dad is absolutely indifferent to your dislike.
- Vovochka, in Russian, please speak!
- Fuck him, Marya Ivanovna.

The funniest jokes of the week

10/21/22 00:04 23

short other

A real friend usually gives you a paw, not a hand.

10/22/22 12:06 21

short other

- Hello, darling, is that you?
- Yes, but who is speaking?

yesterday 08:01 21

short other

In Moscow, apartments of dodgers who escaped to Georgia will be raffled among the mobilized.

10/23/22 01:13 20

short husband and wife

When the wife is alone in the family, she grows up as an egoist.

10/22/22 13:19 20

short vulgar

Young Timurovites rented prostitutes and pulled them up in algebra and geometry.

10/19/22 00:46 19

short other

- Man, won't you drive me to sin by any chance?

10/19/22 01:05 19

shortother

Is the review about the clinic "not killed" considered positive?

10/18/22 09:12 19

others

Even the pandemic could not break our strong economy. Whether business - strong business executives...

23.10.22 03:36 18

short other

The Durex company has joined the flight of condoms from Russia.

10/20/22 11:51 18

others

But, probably, many people had this: you write a really long message and somewhere at the end you think, like: "But they don't give a damn." And you delete the message.

10/19/22 00:58 18

short others

He acted nobly. That is thoughtlessly.

10/23/22 06:12 18

short internet

You used to be browsing the internet, and now the internet is browsing you.

10/20/22 15:07 18

short other

Husband brings baby to feed:
- Second column. Fill it up, please.

10/19/22 19:07 17

politics

What if Lenin lies in the mausoleum because he was bewitched by an evil fairy, and if you kiss him, the spell will break?

10/18/22 13:29 17

short other

It turns out that it is impolite for impolite people to say that they are impolite.

10/22/22 00:06 17

Torphenial

- Mom, look, Negro melts!
- Not melting, but pooping.

10/21/22 10:21 17

short other

- What are you doing?
- I eat cheese with a pigtail, and you?
- I drink tea with my mouth.

10/19/22 01:05 17

short other

Can you imagine how many things will happen when the cancer whistles on the mountain?

21.10.22 20:09 17

politics

Overcast in Kyiv, northeast wind, probability of Putin's invasion 30-35%, feels like 95-146%.

10/22/22 03:44 17

short other

- Dear, I have nothing to wear.
- Shouldn't have taken it off.

23.10.22 14:48 17

short censorship

The phrase "Leps sang" can be read both ways, but no one needs it.

10/18/22 11:07 17

husband and wife

Study guide for men: "How to surround your wife with attention and care without leaving the couch."

10/22/22 18:47 17

short other

The people divided into two parts - ward No. 6 and column No. 5.

10/23/22 16:16 17

others

- Why do you love your cat? After all, an egoist, an ungrateful pig, loves only those who feed, a rare stinker, in a word - a bastard.
- And for the fact that shit - and does not hide.

10/19/22 12:11 16

others

A psychologist is a specialist who, for a lot of money, proves to a person who comes to him with problems that he actually has no problems.

10/21/22 08:38 16

animals

- Your dog tried to sell me heroin right under the windows of the police department!
- This is an Afghan Hound.